For the two people who may or may not read this blog I'm sorry for the long delay between updates.
Graduate school hit hard and fast about a month ago. Before that I was enjoying some much needed R&R before plunging into the world of thesis writing. Needless to say it's been a busy few months. My surgery seems like it was months and months ago instead of at the end of July.
I've apparently done very well since then compared to others who have the surgery. According to my surgeon, who I saw two weeks ago, most people don't lose weight in the first few months after the procedure. I, however, had lost approximately 25lbs since my surgery and now weigh a "slim" 275lbs. I can't remember the last time I was at that weight, but I'm guessing it was sometime between my sophomore and junior years of high school roughly 15 years ago. It's a little unbelievable actually.
To give you an idea of how dramatic a change this is, allow me to tell the story of how I went down two pants sizes in about 3 weeks.
Right after surgery I was wearing pre-surgery jeans (size 46) that were quite literally falling off of me. This isn't some exaggeration I literally had to hold them up with my hand when I walked. Naturally I went to the store to get some new ones, and found a pair of size 40 jeans on the cheap. For those paying attention I went from a size 46 to a size 40 in about 5 weeks. Well, since then, I've dropped another size and am on the verge of size 38 depending on the cut.
The pants I bought less than a month ago now require me to hold them up if I'm wearing anything in my pockets. I bought a belt shorty before surgery that I could barely use the first notch on and now I'm down to the last. Shirts I could wear earlier in the summer now look I'm wearing maternity gear. I'm now able to shop at non-big and tall stores. I can't remember the last time I could do that.
As an aside I realized I have absolutely no sense of what looks good on me as previously my choices were what solid color polo do I want to wear with these basic jeans/pants? I've got no idea what the hell to do with plaid shorts, but they're now in my range of shit to wear.
On the down side I'm having real trouble not drinking during/after meals, and not snacking (on fruits and veg) between meals. The latter is important because I'm basically eating a steady stream of small amounts of food instead of learning to get full off of a single meal.
I'm also having trouble with taking my vitamins. It's mostly because they make me wretch and they're gigantic. Of course not taking the vitamins means that I'm not getting enough iron so I've started to bruise easily.
Difficulties aside, my new life is amazing. I'm less obsessed with food. It's no longer a source of pleasure and is just a thing I need to do to keep going. I promised myself I would eat a small cheeseburger on my birthday, but when the time came I just didn't see the point. Mind you I ate my birthday cookies, but those are cookies, it was my birthday, and I'm just a man.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
A Reassurance
I promise I'll have an update soon. I lost track of my blog, and have fallen behind! I don't want to be *That Guy Who Had A Blog* so I'll update soon.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Speaking of Indulgences...
Last night and today I ate meat for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks, and it was glorious. It was HEB brand Oven Roasted Provencal Turkey. I used about 3 square inches of meat, minced it up, and mixed it in with a tablespoon of mashed potatoes and a pinch of shredded cheese. It took me 23 minutes to eat (I had to warm it up halfway through).
Tomorrow I move on to semi-solid foods.
Overdue Update
Okay, so last week was a very difficult week for me. The boredom of liquids and pureed (I haven't had solids since June 22nd ) finally got to me. I got really anxious that I wasn't sticking to my new diet correctly. I became paranoid that because I wasn't measuring each calorie, protein, carb, and gram of fiber that I was somehow 'doing it wrong'. Even though my surgeon said I looked great and that I shouldn't worry so much about intake until I've had my first adjustment I was still obsessive about what I was eating.
I always knew that week 2 would be difficult. There aren't a lot of pureed foods I like to eat. As a consequence I stuck mostly to mashed potatoes, potato soup w/ broccoli, re-fried black beans w/ shredded cheese, Greek yogurt w/ honey and lemon curd, and fruit/protein smoothies along with the usual bevy of fruit juices and a small glass of 1% milk (I absolutely cannot do milky water...err skim milk.) As you can see, such a limited diet might drive anyone a little batty. I didn't have a lot of energy, was really cranky, more impatient than usual, and fixated on bad foods. By Friday I finally realized what was up, talked to E about it, talked to my therapist about it, and came to a problematic conclusion.
For decades now junk food has been my go-to method of dealing with stress AND boredom (yay!), and by cutting myself off from it I denied myself my one reliable coping mechanism. All I could think about was food. I didn't indulge the craving, but it was a constant source of anxiety on top of the anxiety that I might be failing to live up to my new way of life. The self-defeating thought was, "if I were really committed to this then I should always be preparing/researching my next meal, and I shouldn't be thinking about bad foods." Utterly ludicrous I know, but that's why they call it irrational thinking.
That word should is the bane of my existence. It's a word and a thought that I try hard not to bring into my life. For me, it's the word of a perfectionist, and because I will fail sometimes any time I do it's devastating. When I get in that mindset any failure is unacceptable. I must get it right the first time or it isn't even worth doing. Obviously, that's a recipe for inaction followed by anger, anxiety, and depression. The cycle then continues because I have less emotional fortitude to press on.
On top of all those self-defeating thoughts I was around a lot of foods I need to avoid. E was baking all week for a wedding she agreed to provide sweets for. While I'm proud of her for getting it done, it was damn near impossible not to obsess about the lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, whoopie pies, etc that filled the kitchen. I knew that if I ate solids I would regret it, but at one point there was a huge bag of cookie dough just sitting in the fridge (which I avoided like the plague.) It got really bad when my brother and his new girlfriend came over on Thursday night and E served up the reject deserts. Now, it's my responsibility to control my behavior and make healthy choices, but the temptation from being in a house with delicious deserts was almost too much.
*On top of all THAT, I was also surrounded by friends eating take-out Chinese food, chips and queso, and sandwiches. Again, it's my responsibility to make the right choice, but when all my senses are telling me what they're eating is the most delicious food imaginable (it's not) those self-defeating thoughts really ramp up. My impulse is to throw my all my progress out the window, gorge myself, and deal with the pain and regret later. I felt like a recovering alcoholic joining my friends at a bar.
I learned a valuable lesson last week - I've got to develop coping skills for anxiety that fit into my new life. Equally as important I need to make sure that when I know I'm going to be around other people eating that I arrive already full. Truth be told it might be some time before I'm comfortable around other people eating. Knowing this, and having now experienced it, I'm better equipped to develop those skills. Carrying a healthy snack with me, making sure I've already eaten, and learning to avoid tempting situations when I can.
The bottom line is I didn't indulge my unhealthy impulses, I kept to my new lifestyle, I dropped below 300lbs, and I ultimately enjoyed the company of my family and friends which I don't often get to do with my busy schedule during semesters. I made the healthy choice and each success makes recovery from failure that much easier.
*To any of my friends that read this, I want to make clear that it's not your place to make sure I'm not tempted. Eat what you want where and when you want. I only ask that you take me into consideration when you do. Try not to talk about how tasty the food is or sit next to me, etc. Thank you and enjoy your meals/snacks.
I always knew that week 2 would be difficult. There aren't a lot of pureed foods I like to eat. As a consequence I stuck mostly to mashed potatoes, potato soup w/ broccoli, re-fried black beans w/ shredded cheese, Greek yogurt w/ honey and lemon curd, and fruit/protein smoothies along with the usual bevy of fruit juices and a small glass of 1% milk (I absolutely cannot do milky water...err skim milk.) As you can see, such a limited diet might drive anyone a little batty. I didn't have a lot of energy, was really cranky, more impatient than usual, and fixated on bad foods. By Friday I finally realized what was up, talked to E about it, talked to my therapist about it, and came to a problematic conclusion.
For decades now junk food has been my go-to method of dealing with stress AND boredom (yay!), and by cutting myself off from it I denied myself my one reliable coping mechanism. All I could think about was food. I didn't indulge the craving, but it was a constant source of anxiety on top of the anxiety that I might be failing to live up to my new way of life. The self-defeating thought was, "if I were really committed to this then I should always be preparing/researching my next meal, and I shouldn't be thinking about bad foods." Utterly ludicrous I know, but that's why they call it irrational thinking.
That word should is the bane of my existence. It's a word and a thought that I try hard not to bring into my life. For me, it's the word of a perfectionist, and because I will fail sometimes any time I do it's devastating. When I get in that mindset any failure is unacceptable. I must get it right the first time or it isn't even worth doing. Obviously, that's a recipe for inaction followed by anger, anxiety, and depression. The cycle then continues because I have less emotional fortitude to press on.
On top of all those self-defeating thoughts I was around a lot of foods I need to avoid. E was baking all week for a wedding she agreed to provide sweets for. While I'm proud of her for getting it done, it was damn near impossible not to obsess about the lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, whoopie pies, etc that filled the kitchen. I knew that if I ate solids I would regret it, but at one point there was a huge bag of cookie dough just sitting in the fridge (which I avoided like the plague.) It got really bad when my brother and his new girlfriend came over on Thursday night and E served up the reject deserts. Now, it's my responsibility to control my behavior and make healthy choices, but the temptation from being in a house with delicious deserts was almost too much.
*On top of all THAT, I was also surrounded by friends eating take-out Chinese food, chips and queso, and sandwiches. Again, it's my responsibility to make the right choice, but when all my senses are telling me what they're eating is the most delicious food imaginable (it's not) those self-defeating thoughts really ramp up. My impulse is to throw my all my progress out the window, gorge myself, and deal with the pain and regret later. I felt like a recovering alcoholic joining my friends at a bar.
I learned a valuable lesson last week - I've got to develop coping skills for anxiety that fit into my new life. Equally as important I need to make sure that when I know I'm going to be around other people eating that I arrive already full. Truth be told it might be some time before I'm comfortable around other people eating. Knowing this, and having now experienced it, I'm better equipped to develop those skills. Carrying a healthy snack with me, making sure I've already eaten, and learning to avoid tempting situations when I can.
The bottom line is I didn't indulge my unhealthy impulses, I kept to my new lifestyle, I dropped below 300lbs, and I ultimately enjoyed the company of my family and friends which I don't often get to do with my busy schedule during semesters. I made the healthy choice and each success makes recovery from failure that much easier.
*To any of my friends that read this, I want to make clear that it's not your place to make sure I'm not tempted. Eat what you want where and when you want. I only ask that you take me into consideration when you do. Try not to talk about how tasty the food is or sit next to me, etc. Thank you and enjoy your meals/snacks.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Getting Used To My New "Pouch"
I think I've gotten the hang of telling the difference between when I'm hungry and when I'm full. I've moved past the full liquid diet stage and on to the pureed. For most of the last few days I've eaten soups, mashed potatoes, fruit smoothies, and homemade oatmeal. It's rougher than the full liquid for some reason though.
I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to get it right. It's hard not to beat myself up over not spending hours looking over recipes and preparing food. The full weight of my new life really hit me earlier this week on my way to work. The need to do everything perfectly is a thought I have to contend with on a near daily basis. The idea that I need to succeed on my first try at anything or else it was all a failure is something that hasn't really done much good for me in my life. The higher the stakes the more anxiety I feel towards achieving my goal. It's something I'm going to have to wrestle with when adjusting to the band. I have to keep reminding myself it's a process, I'm bound to stumble, and that so long as I continue forward I'm doing good work.
My anxieties were somewhat mitigated yesterday when I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up visit. He removed the tape that was covering my incisions and told me that they looked healthy and were healing fine. Infection of the port incision (the one with the saline injection port) is the site of most infections and can be pretty serious if it gets infected. He also talked to me about how I've been doing, my recovery, and how I've managed to eat over the last week. I told him I was eating fine. I've had no problems swallowing food, vomiting, or feeling nauseous.
I let him know that even when I eat the recommended amount of food I'm still hungry. It's something that had been bothering me all week (although I suspected some of the hunger had to do with work), and that I was concerned that I might be eating too little. He said not to worry too much and that I should eat as much as I needed to while paying attention to how full I am. Everyone's experience with bariatric surgery is different and I need to find out what works for me using the tips, techniques, guidelines, and recommendations they've given me. He also mentioned that until I come in for my first fill in September my pouch is somewhat large and can hold more food than it will later.
It's important for me not to rush this. I'm impatient and I hate waiting, but with this it's vital for me to give myself time to adjust.
Weight: 294lbs
I haven't weighed that much since the fall of 1999.
I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to get it right. It's hard not to beat myself up over not spending hours looking over recipes and preparing food. The full weight of my new life really hit me earlier this week on my way to work. The need to do everything perfectly is a thought I have to contend with on a near daily basis. The idea that I need to succeed on my first try at anything or else it was all a failure is something that hasn't really done much good for me in my life. The higher the stakes the more anxiety I feel towards achieving my goal. It's something I'm going to have to wrestle with when adjusting to the band. I have to keep reminding myself it's a process, I'm bound to stumble, and that so long as I continue forward I'm doing good work.
My anxieties were somewhat mitigated yesterday when I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up visit. He removed the tape that was covering my incisions and told me that they looked healthy and were healing fine. Infection of the port incision (the one with the saline injection port) is the site of most infections and can be pretty serious if it gets infected. He also talked to me about how I've been doing, my recovery, and how I've managed to eat over the last week. I told him I was eating fine. I've had no problems swallowing food, vomiting, or feeling nauseous.
I let him know that even when I eat the recommended amount of food I'm still hungry. It's something that had been bothering me all week (although I suspected some of the hunger had to do with work), and that I was concerned that I might be eating too little. He said not to worry too much and that I should eat as much as I needed to while paying attention to how full I am. Everyone's experience with bariatric surgery is different and I need to find out what works for me using the tips, techniques, guidelines, and recommendations they've given me. He also mentioned that until I come in for my first fill in September my pouch is somewhat large and can hold more food than it will later.
It's important for me not to rush this. I'm impatient and I hate waiting, but with this it's vital for me to give myself time to adjust.
Weight: 294lbs
I haven't weighed that much since the fall of 1999.
Friday, July 27, 2012
More Like Used As A Punching Bag
This past week has exceeded my expectations for recovery.
I'll start with Tuesday itself. I did per-admittance check-in on Monday so that all I'd have to do on Tuesday was show up and pay. They ran me through the procedure, what to expect, and what I needed to do before arriving. E and I showed up at the surgery center around 10, paid, and set up in my own private room. Within the hour I was IV'd up, debriefed, and good to go.
I was set for a 12:45pm surgery time, but due to some delays didn't get wheeled out until 1:20pm or so. At no point were we left in the dark about delays. The nurses were friendly, funny, informative, and very helpful. Both the surgeon and anesthesiologist stopped by to see me and explained what would happen next. It was downright enjoyable, and the way the staff treated me went a long way towards alleviating any anxiety I had.
When my time came I was drugged up and wheeled into surgery. I'm not sure when I went to sleep, but I was in the middle of talking to the nurse and anesthesiologist about their favorite types of history and the next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery. It's weird, but there was something comforting about being in the operating room with all its technology surrounded by a staff with years of training and experience. Far from feeling sterile it felt safe.
It took me about 20 minutes from regaining consciousness to being wheeled to my room by a volunteer who was going to school for Bio-Mechanics. My throat hurt from the breathing tube and my mouth was like a foamy desert, but other than that I don't remember being in much pain. I was thirsty, but had to wait until I went to get x-rays done to see if everything was working correctly. E said the surgery lasted a little less than an hour and that the surgeon came about immediately to tell them when it was over. Apparently my insides are in excellent condition.
In radiology I had to drink about 4 teaspoons of a foul substance whose name I can't remember. Drinking that was by far the worst thing that happened to me that day, and I'm glad I asked for the anti-nausea meds before taking it.
After that ordeal I was finally given a glass of water and went back to my room to rest for awhile. By 5:30pm or thereabouts I was released and on my way home.
I was in bed by 7 and slept for most of the night. I think I woke up around 3am to walk around for a bit and get a drink, but I was back in bed before too long. I slept for most of Wednesday as well.
So far yesterday and today have been really good. I've felt a little sore, but my incisions don't hurt that much so long as I move slowly and deliberately. I feel less like I've been stabbed and more like I was used as a punching bag. I don't have stitches and the incisions themselves aren't near as big as I thought they'd be. They're held together with a type of tape that should fall off within the next week.
I had real bad gas for most of Wednesday, but its seems to have gone away. At least now I can tell the difference between pain in my incisions, uncomfortableness because of gas, and being full or hungry. I find about 8-12oz of fluids are enough to fill me up and keep me satisfied for about 2 hours before I need another glass. I'm drinking mostly juice, almond milk, skim milk, and meal supplements and so far I don't feel deprived, but it is only three days out. I imagine as the weeks progress my appetite will return and I'll have to put my techniques to the test.
I'm very much aware of the band. Unless I'm sitting up straight I can feel a tightness in my stomach that wasn't there before. This is good and bad as it's easier to tell when I'm full, but also something that's just slightly uncomfortable.
My energy levels are returning to normal. E and went out this afternoon for about 2 hours to visit a local museum. It was nice to get out of the house, but after about an hour or so I started to get fatigued.
I know this wasn't a terribly exciting or insightful update. I'll have some more thoughts on my new life soon enough, but for now I'm focused on relaxing and recuperating.
I'll start with Tuesday itself. I did per-admittance check-in on Monday so that all I'd have to do on Tuesday was show up and pay. They ran me through the procedure, what to expect, and what I needed to do before arriving. E and I showed up at the surgery center around 10, paid, and set up in my own private room. Within the hour I was IV'd up, debriefed, and good to go.
I was set for a 12:45pm surgery time, but due to some delays didn't get wheeled out until 1:20pm or so. At no point were we left in the dark about delays. The nurses were friendly, funny, informative, and very helpful. Both the surgeon and anesthesiologist stopped by to see me and explained what would happen next. It was downright enjoyable, and the way the staff treated me went a long way towards alleviating any anxiety I had.
When my time came I was drugged up and wheeled into surgery. I'm not sure when I went to sleep, but I was in the middle of talking to the nurse and anesthesiologist about their favorite types of history and the next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery. It's weird, but there was something comforting about being in the operating room with all its technology surrounded by a staff with years of training and experience. Far from feeling sterile it felt safe.
It took me about 20 minutes from regaining consciousness to being wheeled to my room by a volunteer who was going to school for Bio-Mechanics. My throat hurt from the breathing tube and my mouth was like a foamy desert, but other than that I don't remember being in much pain. I was thirsty, but had to wait until I went to get x-rays done to see if everything was working correctly. E said the surgery lasted a little less than an hour and that the surgeon came about immediately to tell them when it was over. Apparently my insides are in excellent condition.
In radiology I had to drink about 4 teaspoons of a foul substance whose name I can't remember. Drinking that was by far the worst thing that happened to me that day, and I'm glad I asked for the anti-nausea meds before taking it.
After that ordeal I was finally given a glass of water and went back to my room to rest for awhile. By 5:30pm or thereabouts I was released and on my way home.
I was in bed by 7 and slept for most of the night. I think I woke up around 3am to walk around for a bit and get a drink, but I was back in bed before too long. I slept for most of Wednesday as well.
So far yesterday and today have been really good. I've felt a little sore, but my incisions don't hurt that much so long as I move slowly and deliberately. I feel less like I've been stabbed and more like I was used as a punching bag. I don't have stitches and the incisions themselves aren't near as big as I thought they'd be. They're held together with a type of tape that should fall off within the next week.
I had real bad gas for most of Wednesday, but its seems to have gone away. At least now I can tell the difference between pain in my incisions, uncomfortableness because of gas, and being full or hungry. I find about 8-12oz of fluids are enough to fill me up and keep me satisfied for about 2 hours before I need another glass. I'm drinking mostly juice, almond milk, skim milk, and meal supplements and so far I don't feel deprived, but it is only three days out. I imagine as the weeks progress my appetite will return and I'll have to put my techniques to the test.
I'm very much aware of the band. Unless I'm sitting up straight I can feel a tightness in my stomach that wasn't there before. This is good and bad as it's easier to tell when I'm full, but also something that's just slightly uncomfortable.
My energy levels are returning to normal. E and went out this afternoon for about 2 hours to visit a local museum. It was nice to get out of the house, but after about an hour or so I started to get fatigued.
I know this wasn't a terribly exciting or insightful update. I'll have some more thoughts on my new life soon enough, but for now I'm focused on relaxing and recuperating.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Post-Op
This will be a short one.
I'll go in to more detail on my hospital experience later, but for now let me just say that I'm doing fine. The pain from the incisions themselves is the same sort of constant ache that you get after a ridiculous abdominal workout. It's easy to forget how much you use those muscles. The worst pain so far is internal. As a part of the procedure, the operating team pumped me full of air so they could navigate my inner organs more easily. Over the next few days my body will absorb the air, but now now I'm very gassy.
The pain is only really bad when I burp, hiccup, or cough. I warned E not to make me laugh and so far she's only slipped up once. I don't feel like I've been stabbed fives times so much as I feel like someone's used my stomach as punching bag. That said, I'm not in near as much pain as I thought I'd be and most of what I have is due to soreness. Sitting straight up hurts the worst because it puts pressure on my lower abdomen/spine and causes all of the gas they pumped into me to gather near my shoulders.
I'm still on clear liquids through tomorrow, but I'm in no hurry to move on to pureed or semi-solid just yet. Roughly 12oz of liquid is enough to fill me up right now. I'm not talking 'that was a nice meal' full, I'm talking 'WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS!?' full. Twelve fluid ounces - that's a cup of jello and half a cup of juice. It sticks too. I had that jello and juice at roughly 5:45 and even now at 8:25 I'm still a little full. The last thing on my mind is solid food.
At the moment I'm off for a small walk and a drive just to get out of the house.
I'll go in to more detail on my hospital experience later, but for now let me just say that I'm doing fine. The pain from the incisions themselves is the same sort of constant ache that you get after a ridiculous abdominal workout. It's easy to forget how much you use those muscles. The worst pain so far is internal. As a part of the procedure, the operating team pumped me full of air so they could navigate my inner organs more easily. Over the next few days my body will absorb the air, but now now I'm very gassy.
The pain is only really bad when I burp, hiccup, or cough. I warned E not to make me laugh and so far she's only slipped up once. I don't feel like I've been stabbed fives times so much as I feel like someone's used my stomach as punching bag. That said, I'm not in near as much pain as I thought I'd be and most of what I have is due to soreness. Sitting straight up hurts the worst because it puts pressure on my lower abdomen/spine and causes all of the gas they pumped into me to gather near my shoulders.
I'm still on clear liquids through tomorrow, but I'm in no hurry to move on to pureed or semi-solid just yet. Roughly 12oz of liquid is enough to fill me up right now. I'm not talking 'that was a nice meal' full, I'm talking 'WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS!?' full. Twelve fluid ounces - that's a cup of jello and half a cup of juice. It sticks too. I had that jello and juice at roughly 5:45 and even now at 8:25 I'm still a little full. The last thing on my mind is solid food.
At the moment I'm off for a small walk and a drive just to get out of the house.
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