Overdue Update

Okay, so last week was a very difficult week for me.  The boredom of liquids and pureed (I haven't had solids since June 22nd ) finally got to me.  I got really anxious that I wasn't sticking to my new diet correctly. I became paranoid that because I wasn't measuring each calorie, protein, carb, and gram of fiber that I was somehow 'doing it wrong'.  Even though my surgeon said I looked great and that I shouldn't worry so much about intake until I've had my first adjustment I was still obsessive about what I was eating.

I always knew that week 2 would be difficult.  There aren't a lot of pureed foods I like to eat.  As a consequence I stuck mostly to mashed potatoes, potato soup w/ broccoli, re-fried black beans w/ shredded cheese, Greek yogurt w/ honey and lemon curd,  and fruit/protein smoothies along with the usual bevy of fruit juices and a small glass of 1% milk (I absolutely cannot do milky water...err skim milk.)  As you can see, such a limited diet might drive anyone a little batty.  I didn't have a lot of energy, was really cranky, more impatient than usual, and fixated on bad foods.  By Friday I finally realized what was up, talked to E about it, talked to my therapist about it, and came to a problematic conclusion.

For decades now junk food has been my go-to method of dealing with stress AND boredom (yay!), and by cutting myself off from it I denied myself my one reliable coping mechanism.  All I could think about was food.  I didn't indulge the craving, but it was a constant source of anxiety on top of the anxiety that I might be failing to live up to my new way of life.  The self-defeating thought was, "if I were really committed to this then I should always be preparing/researching my next meal, and I shouldn't be thinking about bad foods."  Utterly ludicrous I know, but that's why they call it irrational thinking.

That word should is the bane of my existence.  It's a word and a thought that I try hard not to bring into my life.  For me, it's the word of a perfectionist, and because I will fail sometimes any time I do it's devastating.  When I get in that mindset any failure is unacceptable.  I must get it right the first time or it isn't even worth doing.  Obviously, that's a recipe for inaction followed by anger, anxiety, and depression.  The cycle then continues because I have less emotional fortitude to press on.

On top of all those self-defeating thoughts I was around a lot of foods I need to avoid.  E was baking all week for a wedding she agreed to provide sweets for.  While I'm proud of her for getting it done, it was damn near impossible not to obsess about the lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, whoopie pies, etc that filled the kitchen.  I knew that if I ate solids I would regret it, but at one point there was a huge bag of cookie dough just sitting in the fridge (which I avoided like the plague.)  It got really bad when my brother and his new girlfriend came over on Thursday night and E served up the reject deserts.  Now, it's my responsibility to control my behavior and make healthy choices, but the temptation from being in a house with delicious deserts was almost too much.  

*On top of all THAT, I was also surrounded by friends eating take-out Chinese food, chips and queso, and sandwiches.  Again, it's my responsibility to make the right choice, but when all my senses are telling me what they're eating is the most delicious food imaginable (it's not) those self-defeating thoughts really ramp up.  My impulse is to throw my all my progress out the window, gorge myself, and deal with the pain and regret later.  I felt like a recovering alcoholic joining my friends at a bar.

I learned a valuable lesson last week - I've got to develop coping skills for anxiety that fit into my new life.  Equally as important I need to make sure that when I know I'm going to be around other people eating that I arrive already full.  Truth be told it might be some time before I'm comfortable around other people eating.  Knowing this, and having now experienced it, I'm better equipped to develop those skills.  Carrying a healthy  snack with me, making sure I've already eaten, and learning to avoid tempting situations when I can.

The bottom line is I didn't indulge my unhealthy impulses, I kept to my new lifestyle, I dropped below 300lbs, and I ultimately enjoyed the company of my family and friends which I don't often get to do with my busy schedule during semesters.  I made the healthy choice and each success makes recovery from failure that much easier.

*To any of my friends that read this, I want to make clear that it's not your place to make sure I'm not tempted.  Eat what you want where and when you want.  I only ask that you take me into consideration when you do.  Try not to talk about how tasty the food is or sit next to me, etc.  Thank you and enjoy your meals/snacks.