For the two people who may or may not read this blog I'm sorry for the long delay between updates.
Graduate school hit hard and fast about a month ago. Before that I was enjoying some much needed R&R before plunging into the world of thesis writing. Needless to say it's been a busy few months. My surgery seems like it was months and months ago instead of at the end of July.
I've apparently done very well since then compared to others who have the surgery. According to my surgeon, who I saw two weeks ago, most people don't lose weight in the first few months after the procedure. I, however, had lost approximately 25lbs since my surgery and now weigh a "slim" 275lbs. I can't remember the last time I was at that weight, but I'm guessing it was sometime between my sophomore and junior years of high school roughly 15 years ago. It's a little unbelievable actually.
To give you an idea of how dramatic a change this is, allow me to tell the story of how I went down two pants sizes in about 3 weeks.
Right after surgery I was wearing pre-surgery jeans (size 46) that were quite literally falling off of me. This isn't some exaggeration I literally had to hold them up with my hand when I walked. Naturally I went to the store to get some new ones, and found a pair of size 40 jeans on the cheap. For those paying attention I went from a size 46 to a size 40 in about 5 weeks. Well, since then, I've dropped another size and am on the verge of size 38 depending on the cut.
The pants I bought less than a month ago now require me to hold them up if I'm wearing anything in my pockets. I bought a belt shorty before surgery that I could barely use the first notch on and now I'm down to the last. Shirts I could wear earlier in the summer now look I'm wearing maternity gear. I'm now able to shop at non-big and tall stores. I can't remember the last time I could do that.
As an aside I realized I have absolutely no sense of what looks good on me as previously my choices were what solid color polo do I want to wear with these basic jeans/pants? I've got no idea what the hell to do with plaid shorts, but they're now in my range of shit to wear.
On the down side I'm having real trouble not drinking during/after meals, and not snacking (on fruits and veg) between meals. The latter is important because I'm basically eating a steady stream of small amounts of food instead of learning to get full off of a single meal.
I'm also having trouble with taking my vitamins. It's mostly because they make me wretch and they're gigantic. Of course not taking the vitamins means that I'm not getting enough iron so I've started to bruise easily.
Difficulties aside, my new life is amazing. I'm less obsessed with food. It's no longer a source of pleasure and is just a thing I need to do to keep going. I promised myself I would eat a small cheeseburger on my birthday, but when the time came I just didn't see the point. Mind you I ate my birthday cookies, but those are cookies, it was my birthday, and I'm just a man.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
A Reassurance
I promise I'll have an update soon. I lost track of my blog, and have fallen behind! I don't want to be *That Guy Who Had A Blog* so I'll update soon.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Speaking of Indulgences...
Last night and today I ate meat for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks, and it was glorious. It was HEB brand Oven Roasted Provencal Turkey. I used about 3 square inches of meat, minced it up, and mixed it in with a tablespoon of mashed potatoes and a pinch of shredded cheese. It took me 23 minutes to eat (I had to warm it up halfway through).
Tomorrow I move on to semi-solid foods.
Overdue Update
Okay, so last week was a very difficult week for me. The boredom of liquids and pureed (I haven't had solids since June 22nd ) finally got to me. I got really anxious that I wasn't sticking to my new diet correctly. I became paranoid that because I wasn't measuring each calorie, protein, carb, and gram of fiber that I was somehow 'doing it wrong'. Even though my surgeon said I looked great and that I shouldn't worry so much about intake until I've had my first adjustment I was still obsessive about what I was eating.
I always knew that week 2 would be difficult. There aren't a lot of pureed foods I like to eat. As a consequence I stuck mostly to mashed potatoes, potato soup w/ broccoli, re-fried black beans w/ shredded cheese, Greek yogurt w/ honey and lemon curd, and fruit/protein smoothies along with the usual bevy of fruit juices and a small glass of 1% milk (I absolutely cannot do milky water...err skim milk.) As you can see, such a limited diet might drive anyone a little batty. I didn't have a lot of energy, was really cranky, more impatient than usual, and fixated on bad foods. By Friday I finally realized what was up, talked to E about it, talked to my therapist about it, and came to a problematic conclusion.
For decades now junk food has been my go-to method of dealing with stress AND boredom (yay!), and by cutting myself off from it I denied myself my one reliable coping mechanism. All I could think about was food. I didn't indulge the craving, but it was a constant source of anxiety on top of the anxiety that I might be failing to live up to my new way of life. The self-defeating thought was, "if I were really committed to this then I should always be preparing/researching my next meal, and I shouldn't be thinking about bad foods." Utterly ludicrous I know, but that's why they call it irrational thinking.
That word should is the bane of my existence. It's a word and a thought that I try hard not to bring into my life. For me, it's the word of a perfectionist, and because I will fail sometimes any time I do it's devastating. When I get in that mindset any failure is unacceptable. I must get it right the first time or it isn't even worth doing. Obviously, that's a recipe for inaction followed by anger, anxiety, and depression. The cycle then continues because I have less emotional fortitude to press on.
On top of all those self-defeating thoughts I was around a lot of foods I need to avoid. E was baking all week for a wedding she agreed to provide sweets for. While I'm proud of her for getting it done, it was damn near impossible not to obsess about the lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, whoopie pies, etc that filled the kitchen. I knew that if I ate solids I would regret it, but at one point there was a huge bag of cookie dough just sitting in the fridge (which I avoided like the plague.) It got really bad when my brother and his new girlfriend came over on Thursday night and E served up the reject deserts. Now, it's my responsibility to control my behavior and make healthy choices, but the temptation from being in a house with delicious deserts was almost too much.
*On top of all THAT, I was also surrounded by friends eating take-out Chinese food, chips and queso, and sandwiches. Again, it's my responsibility to make the right choice, but when all my senses are telling me what they're eating is the most delicious food imaginable (it's not) those self-defeating thoughts really ramp up. My impulse is to throw my all my progress out the window, gorge myself, and deal with the pain and regret later. I felt like a recovering alcoholic joining my friends at a bar.
I learned a valuable lesson last week - I've got to develop coping skills for anxiety that fit into my new life. Equally as important I need to make sure that when I know I'm going to be around other people eating that I arrive already full. Truth be told it might be some time before I'm comfortable around other people eating. Knowing this, and having now experienced it, I'm better equipped to develop those skills. Carrying a healthy snack with me, making sure I've already eaten, and learning to avoid tempting situations when I can.
The bottom line is I didn't indulge my unhealthy impulses, I kept to my new lifestyle, I dropped below 300lbs, and I ultimately enjoyed the company of my family and friends which I don't often get to do with my busy schedule during semesters. I made the healthy choice and each success makes recovery from failure that much easier.
*To any of my friends that read this, I want to make clear that it's not your place to make sure I'm not tempted. Eat what you want where and when you want. I only ask that you take me into consideration when you do. Try not to talk about how tasty the food is or sit next to me, etc. Thank you and enjoy your meals/snacks.
I always knew that week 2 would be difficult. There aren't a lot of pureed foods I like to eat. As a consequence I stuck mostly to mashed potatoes, potato soup w/ broccoli, re-fried black beans w/ shredded cheese, Greek yogurt w/ honey and lemon curd, and fruit/protein smoothies along with the usual bevy of fruit juices and a small glass of 1% milk (I absolutely cannot do milky water...err skim milk.) As you can see, such a limited diet might drive anyone a little batty. I didn't have a lot of energy, was really cranky, more impatient than usual, and fixated on bad foods. By Friday I finally realized what was up, talked to E about it, talked to my therapist about it, and came to a problematic conclusion.
For decades now junk food has been my go-to method of dealing with stress AND boredom (yay!), and by cutting myself off from it I denied myself my one reliable coping mechanism. All I could think about was food. I didn't indulge the craving, but it was a constant source of anxiety on top of the anxiety that I might be failing to live up to my new way of life. The self-defeating thought was, "if I were really committed to this then I should always be preparing/researching my next meal, and I shouldn't be thinking about bad foods." Utterly ludicrous I know, but that's why they call it irrational thinking.
That word should is the bane of my existence. It's a word and a thought that I try hard not to bring into my life. For me, it's the word of a perfectionist, and because I will fail sometimes any time I do it's devastating. When I get in that mindset any failure is unacceptable. I must get it right the first time or it isn't even worth doing. Obviously, that's a recipe for inaction followed by anger, anxiety, and depression. The cycle then continues because I have less emotional fortitude to press on.
On top of all those self-defeating thoughts I was around a lot of foods I need to avoid. E was baking all week for a wedding she agreed to provide sweets for. While I'm proud of her for getting it done, it was damn near impossible not to obsess about the lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, whoopie pies, etc that filled the kitchen. I knew that if I ate solids I would regret it, but at one point there was a huge bag of cookie dough just sitting in the fridge (which I avoided like the plague.) It got really bad when my brother and his new girlfriend came over on Thursday night and E served up the reject deserts. Now, it's my responsibility to control my behavior and make healthy choices, but the temptation from being in a house with delicious deserts was almost too much.
*On top of all THAT, I was also surrounded by friends eating take-out Chinese food, chips and queso, and sandwiches. Again, it's my responsibility to make the right choice, but when all my senses are telling me what they're eating is the most delicious food imaginable (it's not) those self-defeating thoughts really ramp up. My impulse is to throw my all my progress out the window, gorge myself, and deal with the pain and regret later. I felt like a recovering alcoholic joining my friends at a bar.
I learned a valuable lesson last week - I've got to develop coping skills for anxiety that fit into my new life. Equally as important I need to make sure that when I know I'm going to be around other people eating that I arrive already full. Truth be told it might be some time before I'm comfortable around other people eating. Knowing this, and having now experienced it, I'm better equipped to develop those skills. Carrying a healthy snack with me, making sure I've already eaten, and learning to avoid tempting situations when I can.
The bottom line is I didn't indulge my unhealthy impulses, I kept to my new lifestyle, I dropped below 300lbs, and I ultimately enjoyed the company of my family and friends which I don't often get to do with my busy schedule during semesters. I made the healthy choice and each success makes recovery from failure that much easier.
*To any of my friends that read this, I want to make clear that it's not your place to make sure I'm not tempted. Eat what you want where and when you want. I only ask that you take me into consideration when you do. Try not to talk about how tasty the food is or sit next to me, etc. Thank you and enjoy your meals/snacks.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Getting Used To My New "Pouch"
I think I've gotten the hang of telling the difference between when I'm hungry and when I'm full. I've moved past the full liquid diet stage and on to the pureed. For most of the last few days I've eaten soups, mashed potatoes, fruit smoothies, and homemade oatmeal. It's rougher than the full liquid for some reason though.
I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to get it right. It's hard not to beat myself up over not spending hours looking over recipes and preparing food. The full weight of my new life really hit me earlier this week on my way to work. The need to do everything perfectly is a thought I have to contend with on a near daily basis. The idea that I need to succeed on my first try at anything or else it was all a failure is something that hasn't really done much good for me in my life. The higher the stakes the more anxiety I feel towards achieving my goal. It's something I'm going to have to wrestle with when adjusting to the band. I have to keep reminding myself it's a process, I'm bound to stumble, and that so long as I continue forward I'm doing good work.
My anxieties were somewhat mitigated yesterday when I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up visit. He removed the tape that was covering my incisions and told me that they looked healthy and were healing fine. Infection of the port incision (the one with the saline injection port) is the site of most infections and can be pretty serious if it gets infected. He also talked to me about how I've been doing, my recovery, and how I've managed to eat over the last week. I told him I was eating fine. I've had no problems swallowing food, vomiting, or feeling nauseous.
I let him know that even when I eat the recommended amount of food I'm still hungry. It's something that had been bothering me all week (although I suspected some of the hunger had to do with work), and that I was concerned that I might be eating too little. He said not to worry too much and that I should eat as much as I needed to while paying attention to how full I am. Everyone's experience with bariatric surgery is different and I need to find out what works for me using the tips, techniques, guidelines, and recommendations they've given me. He also mentioned that until I come in for my first fill in September my pouch is somewhat large and can hold more food than it will later.
It's important for me not to rush this. I'm impatient and I hate waiting, but with this it's vital for me to give myself time to adjust.
Weight: 294lbs
I haven't weighed that much since the fall of 1999.
I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to get it right. It's hard not to beat myself up over not spending hours looking over recipes and preparing food. The full weight of my new life really hit me earlier this week on my way to work. The need to do everything perfectly is a thought I have to contend with on a near daily basis. The idea that I need to succeed on my first try at anything or else it was all a failure is something that hasn't really done much good for me in my life. The higher the stakes the more anxiety I feel towards achieving my goal. It's something I'm going to have to wrestle with when adjusting to the band. I have to keep reminding myself it's a process, I'm bound to stumble, and that so long as I continue forward I'm doing good work.
My anxieties were somewhat mitigated yesterday when I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up visit. He removed the tape that was covering my incisions and told me that they looked healthy and were healing fine. Infection of the port incision (the one with the saline injection port) is the site of most infections and can be pretty serious if it gets infected. He also talked to me about how I've been doing, my recovery, and how I've managed to eat over the last week. I told him I was eating fine. I've had no problems swallowing food, vomiting, or feeling nauseous.
I let him know that even when I eat the recommended amount of food I'm still hungry. It's something that had been bothering me all week (although I suspected some of the hunger had to do with work), and that I was concerned that I might be eating too little. He said not to worry too much and that I should eat as much as I needed to while paying attention to how full I am. Everyone's experience with bariatric surgery is different and I need to find out what works for me using the tips, techniques, guidelines, and recommendations they've given me. He also mentioned that until I come in for my first fill in September my pouch is somewhat large and can hold more food than it will later.
It's important for me not to rush this. I'm impatient and I hate waiting, but with this it's vital for me to give myself time to adjust.
Weight: 294lbs
I haven't weighed that much since the fall of 1999.
Friday, July 27, 2012
More Like Used As A Punching Bag
This past week has exceeded my expectations for recovery.
I'll start with Tuesday itself. I did per-admittance check-in on Monday so that all I'd have to do on Tuesday was show up and pay. They ran me through the procedure, what to expect, and what I needed to do before arriving. E and I showed up at the surgery center around 10, paid, and set up in my own private room. Within the hour I was IV'd up, debriefed, and good to go.
I was set for a 12:45pm surgery time, but due to some delays didn't get wheeled out until 1:20pm or so. At no point were we left in the dark about delays. The nurses were friendly, funny, informative, and very helpful. Both the surgeon and anesthesiologist stopped by to see me and explained what would happen next. It was downright enjoyable, and the way the staff treated me went a long way towards alleviating any anxiety I had.
When my time came I was drugged up and wheeled into surgery. I'm not sure when I went to sleep, but I was in the middle of talking to the nurse and anesthesiologist about their favorite types of history and the next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery. It's weird, but there was something comforting about being in the operating room with all its technology surrounded by a staff with years of training and experience. Far from feeling sterile it felt safe.
It took me about 20 minutes from regaining consciousness to being wheeled to my room by a volunteer who was going to school for Bio-Mechanics. My throat hurt from the breathing tube and my mouth was like a foamy desert, but other than that I don't remember being in much pain. I was thirsty, but had to wait until I went to get x-rays done to see if everything was working correctly. E said the surgery lasted a little less than an hour and that the surgeon came about immediately to tell them when it was over. Apparently my insides are in excellent condition.
In radiology I had to drink about 4 teaspoons of a foul substance whose name I can't remember. Drinking that was by far the worst thing that happened to me that day, and I'm glad I asked for the anti-nausea meds before taking it.
After that ordeal I was finally given a glass of water and went back to my room to rest for awhile. By 5:30pm or thereabouts I was released and on my way home.
I was in bed by 7 and slept for most of the night. I think I woke up around 3am to walk around for a bit and get a drink, but I was back in bed before too long. I slept for most of Wednesday as well.
So far yesterday and today have been really good. I've felt a little sore, but my incisions don't hurt that much so long as I move slowly and deliberately. I feel less like I've been stabbed and more like I was used as a punching bag. I don't have stitches and the incisions themselves aren't near as big as I thought they'd be. They're held together with a type of tape that should fall off within the next week.
I had real bad gas for most of Wednesday, but its seems to have gone away. At least now I can tell the difference between pain in my incisions, uncomfortableness because of gas, and being full or hungry. I find about 8-12oz of fluids are enough to fill me up and keep me satisfied for about 2 hours before I need another glass. I'm drinking mostly juice, almond milk, skim milk, and meal supplements and so far I don't feel deprived, but it is only three days out. I imagine as the weeks progress my appetite will return and I'll have to put my techniques to the test.
I'm very much aware of the band. Unless I'm sitting up straight I can feel a tightness in my stomach that wasn't there before. This is good and bad as it's easier to tell when I'm full, but also something that's just slightly uncomfortable.
My energy levels are returning to normal. E and went out this afternoon for about 2 hours to visit a local museum. It was nice to get out of the house, but after about an hour or so I started to get fatigued.
I know this wasn't a terribly exciting or insightful update. I'll have some more thoughts on my new life soon enough, but for now I'm focused on relaxing and recuperating.
I'll start with Tuesday itself. I did per-admittance check-in on Monday so that all I'd have to do on Tuesday was show up and pay. They ran me through the procedure, what to expect, and what I needed to do before arriving. E and I showed up at the surgery center around 10, paid, and set up in my own private room. Within the hour I was IV'd up, debriefed, and good to go.
I was set for a 12:45pm surgery time, but due to some delays didn't get wheeled out until 1:20pm or so. At no point were we left in the dark about delays. The nurses were friendly, funny, informative, and very helpful. Both the surgeon and anesthesiologist stopped by to see me and explained what would happen next. It was downright enjoyable, and the way the staff treated me went a long way towards alleviating any anxiety I had.
When my time came I was drugged up and wheeled into surgery. I'm not sure when I went to sleep, but I was in the middle of talking to the nurse and anesthesiologist about their favorite types of history and the next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery. It's weird, but there was something comforting about being in the operating room with all its technology surrounded by a staff with years of training and experience. Far from feeling sterile it felt safe.
It took me about 20 minutes from regaining consciousness to being wheeled to my room by a volunteer who was going to school for Bio-Mechanics. My throat hurt from the breathing tube and my mouth was like a foamy desert, but other than that I don't remember being in much pain. I was thirsty, but had to wait until I went to get x-rays done to see if everything was working correctly. E said the surgery lasted a little less than an hour and that the surgeon came about immediately to tell them when it was over. Apparently my insides are in excellent condition.
In radiology I had to drink about 4 teaspoons of a foul substance whose name I can't remember. Drinking that was by far the worst thing that happened to me that day, and I'm glad I asked for the anti-nausea meds before taking it.
After that ordeal I was finally given a glass of water and went back to my room to rest for awhile. By 5:30pm or thereabouts I was released and on my way home.
I was in bed by 7 and slept for most of the night. I think I woke up around 3am to walk around for a bit and get a drink, but I was back in bed before too long. I slept for most of Wednesday as well.
So far yesterday and today have been really good. I've felt a little sore, but my incisions don't hurt that much so long as I move slowly and deliberately. I feel less like I've been stabbed and more like I was used as a punching bag. I don't have stitches and the incisions themselves aren't near as big as I thought they'd be. They're held together with a type of tape that should fall off within the next week.
I had real bad gas for most of Wednesday, but its seems to have gone away. At least now I can tell the difference between pain in my incisions, uncomfortableness because of gas, and being full or hungry. I find about 8-12oz of fluids are enough to fill me up and keep me satisfied for about 2 hours before I need another glass. I'm drinking mostly juice, almond milk, skim milk, and meal supplements and so far I don't feel deprived, but it is only three days out. I imagine as the weeks progress my appetite will return and I'll have to put my techniques to the test.
I'm very much aware of the band. Unless I'm sitting up straight I can feel a tightness in my stomach that wasn't there before. This is good and bad as it's easier to tell when I'm full, but also something that's just slightly uncomfortable.
My energy levels are returning to normal. E and went out this afternoon for about 2 hours to visit a local museum. It was nice to get out of the house, but after about an hour or so I started to get fatigued.
I know this wasn't a terribly exciting or insightful update. I'll have some more thoughts on my new life soon enough, but for now I'm focused on relaxing and recuperating.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Post-Op
This will be a short one.
I'll go in to more detail on my hospital experience later, but for now let me just say that I'm doing fine. The pain from the incisions themselves is the same sort of constant ache that you get after a ridiculous abdominal workout. It's easy to forget how much you use those muscles. The worst pain so far is internal. As a part of the procedure, the operating team pumped me full of air so they could navigate my inner organs more easily. Over the next few days my body will absorb the air, but now now I'm very gassy.
The pain is only really bad when I burp, hiccup, or cough. I warned E not to make me laugh and so far she's only slipped up once. I don't feel like I've been stabbed fives times so much as I feel like someone's used my stomach as punching bag. That said, I'm not in near as much pain as I thought I'd be and most of what I have is due to soreness. Sitting straight up hurts the worst because it puts pressure on my lower abdomen/spine and causes all of the gas they pumped into me to gather near my shoulders.
I'm still on clear liquids through tomorrow, but I'm in no hurry to move on to pureed or semi-solid just yet. Roughly 12oz of liquid is enough to fill me up right now. I'm not talking 'that was a nice meal' full, I'm talking 'WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS!?' full. Twelve fluid ounces - that's a cup of jello and half a cup of juice. It sticks too. I had that jello and juice at roughly 5:45 and even now at 8:25 I'm still a little full. The last thing on my mind is solid food.
At the moment I'm off for a small walk and a drive just to get out of the house.
I'll go in to more detail on my hospital experience later, but for now let me just say that I'm doing fine. The pain from the incisions themselves is the same sort of constant ache that you get after a ridiculous abdominal workout. It's easy to forget how much you use those muscles. The worst pain so far is internal. As a part of the procedure, the operating team pumped me full of air so they could navigate my inner organs more easily. Over the next few days my body will absorb the air, but now now I'm very gassy.
The pain is only really bad when I burp, hiccup, or cough. I warned E not to make me laugh and so far she's only slipped up once. I don't feel like I've been stabbed fives times so much as I feel like someone's used my stomach as punching bag. That said, I'm not in near as much pain as I thought I'd be and most of what I have is due to soreness. Sitting straight up hurts the worst because it puts pressure on my lower abdomen/spine and causes all of the gas they pumped into me to gather near my shoulders.
I'm still on clear liquids through tomorrow, but I'm in no hurry to move on to pureed or semi-solid just yet. Roughly 12oz of liquid is enough to fill me up right now. I'm not talking 'that was a nice meal' full, I'm talking 'WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS!?' full. Twelve fluid ounces - that's a cup of jello and half a cup of juice. It sticks too. I had that jello and juice at roughly 5:45 and even now at 8:25 I'm still a little full. The last thing on my mind is solid food.
At the moment I'm off for a small walk and a drive just to get out of the house.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
"Like You've Been Stabbed Five Times"
I met with my surgeon last Thursday for the last time before my surgery. We went over the specifics of the procedure and what my recovery will be like. It's a laparoscopic surgery so I'll only have five small incisions about an inch or so in length in my abdomen. He didn't really say how long it will take, it should be between 20min to an hour. Of course there's a whole host of complications that could come up (and they made me sign a waiver detailing all of the various complications, including death), but I'm trying to focus more on the fact that this particular surgeons group has a perfect record.
This will be the second time I've been under general anesthesia (the first time being for tonsils which I don't remember), and I've got to say I'm a little nervous about it. Part of the nervousness comes from reading all of the ways in which general anesthesia can mess with me. I'd say the other part isn't nervousness based on fear but rather nervousness at starting a radical new period of my life.
I've been preparing for this for nearly 8 months, but it's still daunting to think about. I've got all of my technical information down, but it's learning how to put it into practice that I'm nervous about. After Tuesday the way I live will be totally different that what I'm used to. It's exciting, nerve-wracking, scary, and hopeful all at the same time. I'm looking forward to so much.
I usually do well with change in my life. Whether it's moving, starting a new job, or going back to school it usually doesn't take me too long to adapt. Getting into a healthy routine is essential for my success, and having a month or so to gradually get used to eating differently will help with that. It'd be much more difficult if there were no transition period to separate my old life from my new one.
I'm trying not to anticipate difficulties. It might sound like a recipe for failure, but I find I do better when I focus on the specifics of my goals in small increments. I'm making a huge life change that will require lots of change on my part as well as E's. However, my decisions to life healthy are a day to day, moment to moment decision. Long term achievements with daily goals. Can I walk by those cookies someone brought to work? Can I resist the spontaneous urge to drink a Coke. Will I be able to control myself? I'd like to say absolutely yes to each one, but I won't know until they come up. I've been working for two years now on making sure I'm aware of when I'm making a decision and the motivations for why I choose what I choose.
In three days a skilled, experienced surgeon surgeon will cut small holes in me, insert long metal tools into my abdominal cavity, and, with the aid of a camera, place an inflatable silicone ring around the upper portion of stomach. What a tremendous thing.
This will be the second time I've been under general anesthesia (the first time being for tonsils which I don't remember), and I've got to say I'm a little nervous about it. Part of the nervousness comes from reading all of the ways in which general anesthesia can mess with me. I'd say the other part isn't nervousness based on fear but rather nervousness at starting a radical new period of my life.
I've been preparing for this for nearly 8 months, but it's still daunting to think about. I've got all of my technical information down, but it's learning how to put it into practice that I'm nervous about. After Tuesday the way I live will be totally different that what I'm used to. It's exciting, nerve-wracking, scary, and hopeful all at the same time. I'm looking forward to so much.
I usually do well with change in my life. Whether it's moving, starting a new job, or going back to school it usually doesn't take me too long to adapt. Getting into a healthy routine is essential for my success, and having a month or so to gradually get used to eating differently will help with that. It'd be much more difficult if there were no transition period to separate my old life from my new one.
I'm trying not to anticipate difficulties. It might sound like a recipe for failure, but I find I do better when I focus on the specifics of my goals in small increments. I'm making a huge life change that will require lots of change on my part as well as E's. However, my decisions to life healthy are a day to day, moment to moment decision. Long term achievements with daily goals. Can I walk by those cookies someone brought to work? Can I resist the spontaneous urge to drink a Coke. Will I be able to control myself? I'd like to say absolutely yes to each one, but I won't know until they come up. I've been working for two years now on making sure I'm aware of when I'm making a decision and the motivations for why I choose what I choose.
In three days a skilled, experienced surgeon surgeon will cut small holes in me, insert long metal tools into my abdominal cavity, and, with the aid of a camera, place an inflatable silicone ring around the upper portion of stomach. What a tremendous thing.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
By This Time Next Week...
...my surgery will be done with and I'll probably be resting. Apparently I'll feel okay by the next day, but I haven't ever had this type of surgery before and I've got no idea how long it will take to recover.
This is my last week to enjoy solid foods until early September. For 1-2 weeks after surgery I'll be on a liquid diet (the first two days clear liquids only), and the following week I'll be on a puree diet. I've got specific goals I have to meet each week before I can move on to the next stage. For the first stage I need to consistently drink 64oz of fluids per day. For my pureed diet it's being able to eat 3 meals per day, for my semi-solid diet it's chewing my bites 30 times, and once I'm back on solids it's resting between each bite. Each stage is designed to help me get used to my new stomach, or 'pouch', without hurting myself. Hopefully by the time my birthday hits I'll be able to eat regularly and I might even be able to enjoy a literal (small) bite of cake. It will be glorious.
For the moment I'm slogging through the high-protein/low-carb meals. I've got a good system going on now, but this is definitely not the diet for me.
I've given a lot of thought to how I want to eat once I'm back on solid food. I've never been a fan of the 'fad' diet, but I do think there is some good that can come out of having a limited set of daily foods to build a healthy diet around. I'll have to wait and see what works for me once I'm adjusted to the band.
Last Meal: Estancia Churrascaria.
E decided that for my penultimate last meal we should eat at this delicious restaurant. For those who are unfamiliar with Brazilian steakhouses let me paint you a picture. After your waiter takes your drink order you're directed to a large salad bar with a variety of tasty (so I'm told) vegetables, cheeses, and cured meats. Once you've had your fill of roughage, your waiter brings out a clean plate and the feast truly begins.
Each diner has a card that is red on one side and green on the other. As you flip your card over to green you're swarmed by servers with long skewers of smoking, steaming, glistening, and aromatic meats. Bacon wrapped filet mignon, pork tenderloin covered in parmesan, pork sausage, garlic sirloin, beef ribs, leg of lamb, juicy chicken breast...yum. This all you can (m)eat extravaganza continues until you turn your card over. At this point you tuck in, but the wise take their time and eat each cut slowly so as to savor the meat and pace themselves for more.
We invited two friends along, A and J, who both appreciate the finer qualities of the churrascaria. We first ate there of A's birthday a few months ago, and after stuffing myself full of beef, chicken, and pork I wondered where these restaurants had been all my life.
Obviously a place that serves mostly meat (they also have mashed potatoes, polenta, fried bananas, and cheese rolls - foods meant to fill you up) was a perfect choice for me given my current dietary restrictions. Estancia is a thing of beauty and I've developed a fine method for eating as much meat as possible (hint: eat light before hand, pace yourself, avoid the filler, only get 2-3 meats at a time.)
As amazing as Estancia was on Sunday I learned a good lesson that I need to keep in mind over the coming months. I ate a lot of food. Too much. For the rest of the day I felt sluggish and had the meat sweats. After working on ways to control my portions and pay attention to when I'm actually getting full, eating a meal without observing those techniques really wasn't a good idea. I ignored them intentionally because I knew that this would be the last time I could eat that amount of food in one sitting. While I was uncomfortable I don't regret eating that much. It made me reflect on how not so long ago I would eat like that daily. I appreciated one last face-stuffing, but I'm glad to say that I could do without that again.
Who knows? Maybe by Thanksgiving I'll be able to eat a whole 6" diameter plate's worth of food!
This is my last week to enjoy solid foods until early September. For 1-2 weeks after surgery I'll be on a liquid diet (the first two days clear liquids only), and the following week I'll be on a puree diet. I've got specific goals I have to meet each week before I can move on to the next stage. For the first stage I need to consistently drink 64oz of fluids per day. For my pureed diet it's being able to eat 3 meals per day, for my semi-solid diet it's chewing my bites 30 times, and once I'm back on solids it's resting between each bite. Each stage is designed to help me get used to my new stomach, or 'pouch', without hurting myself. Hopefully by the time my birthday hits I'll be able to eat regularly and I might even be able to enjoy a literal (small) bite of cake. It will be glorious.
For the moment I'm slogging through the high-protein/low-carb meals. I've got a good system going on now, but this is definitely not the diet for me.
I've given a lot of thought to how I want to eat once I'm back on solid food. I've never been a fan of the 'fad' diet, but I do think there is some good that can come out of having a limited set of daily foods to build a healthy diet around. I'll have to wait and see what works for me once I'm adjusted to the band.
Last Meal: Estancia Churrascaria.
E decided that for my penultimate last meal we should eat at this delicious restaurant. For those who are unfamiliar with Brazilian steakhouses let me paint you a picture. After your waiter takes your drink order you're directed to a large salad bar with a variety of tasty (so I'm told) vegetables, cheeses, and cured meats. Once you've had your fill of roughage, your waiter brings out a clean plate and the feast truly begins.
Each diner has a card that is red on one side and green on the other. As you flip your card over to green you're swarmed by servers with long skewers of smoking, steaming, glistening, and aromatic meats. Bacon wrapped filet mignon, pork tenderloin covered in parmesan, pork sausage, garlic sirloin, beef ribs, leg of lamb, juicy chicken breast...yum. This all you can (m)eat extravaganza continues until you turn your card over. At this point you tuck in, but the wise take their time and eat each cut slowly so as to savor the meat and pace themselves for more.
We invited two friends along, A and J, who both appreciate the finer qualities of the churrascaria. We first ate there of A's birthday a few months ago, and after stuffing myself full of beef, chicken, and pork I wondered where these restaurants had been all my life.
Obviously a place that serves mostly meat (they also have mashed potatoes, polenta, fried bananas, and cheese rolls - foods meant to fill you up) was a perfect choice for me given my current dietary restrictions. Estancia is a thing of beauty and I've developed a fine method for eating as much meat as possible (hint: eat light before hand, pace yourself, avoid the filler, only get 2-3 meats at a time.)
As amazing as Estancia was on Sunday I learned a good lesson that I need to keep in mind over the coming months. I ate a lot of food. Too much. For the rest of the day I felt sluggish and had the meat sweats. After working on ways to control my portions and pay attention to when I'm actually getting full, eating a meal without observing those techniques really wasn't a good idea. I ignored them intentionally because I knew that this would be the last time I could eat that amount of food in one sitting. While I was uncomfortable I don't regret eating that much. It made me reflect on how not so long ago I would eat like that daily. I appreciated one last face-stuffing, but I'm glad to say that I could do without that again.
Who knows? Maybe by Thanksgiving I'll be able to eat a whole 6" diameter plate's worth of food!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
10 Days To Go
Okay.
If you'd have told me a few years ago that I'd be on a diet that consisted mostly of various meats and cheeses I'd have called shenanigans on you. When I first heard of the high protein/low carb diet I thought it was too good to be true so I never looked into it. I thought, "there's no way that someone made a diet plan that called for eating two of my favorite food groups in abundance while justifying my lack of fruits and vegetables as healthy." I imagined it as a heaven full of steaks, fajitas, beef jerky, and barbeque sausage.
How wrong I was.
Since last Tuesday I've been on what's functionally an Atkin's Diet and I hate it. You see over the last few months I've grown accustomed to eating lots of fruit as a substitute for unhealthy snacks. It's worked tremendously well because if I snack slowly I remain full and have the satisfaction of knowing I'm taking care of myself. On this two week pre-op diet I'm limited to one piece of medium fruit per day. In this case I've chosen to have about 1/3 cup of watermelon. Sweet, delicious, juicy watermelon.
Now, I understand the basics behind the diet and why it's important for me to be on it before surgery but that doesn't make it any easier. These last few days have been hell. I'm pretty much always hungry and my stomach hurts most of the day.* I went walking with the dog last Wednesday and when I came home all sweaty E commented that something smelled like meat. While she first thought it was the pup we both came to the revolting conclusion that it was me. I smelled like a butcher's shop.
Two eggs with Turkey breakfast sausage. Small portion of watermelon. Roasted and lightly salted peanuts. Cocoa almonds. Low-fat cheese. Turkey lunchmeat. Roasted Chicken. Small bag of carrots and celery with almond butter. Baked chicken with melted cheddar (actually really good.)
By the time I get home I'm craving vegetables which is something I never thought I'd experience. I finish off the day with broccoli,green beans, salad, peppered cashews, and pistachios. That part isn't so bad as I find it's best to have my last meals be light so that I don't feel sluggish by the time I go to bed. Also, eating a bunch of fiber at work is a bad idea.
I've only got ten more days until the surgery. I had a talk with a co-worker, J, about surgery as she's had quite a few recently. I'll talk more about my thoughts on being cut open and having a virtual stranger root around in my insides later, but suffice to say I'm feeling a mix of excited, impatient, and anxious about the whole thing.
*WARNING - Honest Talk About Crapping*
For those who care not to read about the bowel movements of a 313lb (still!) man then skip this part.
For most of my adult life I assumed I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome because, to paraphrase Louis CK, every time I had to crap it was an emergency. For whatever bizarre reason, I never linked eating fast food almost exclusively with alternating constipation and diarrhea. Odd isn't it? When I once told E that I went #2 she was shocked and told me that something was wrong. I assumed she was weird or something.
The thing is once I started eating healthy I started having regular BMs. This may be too intimate a confession, but it is wonderful. I can now go out to eat in public without worrying that at any moment I might need to take a dump RIGHT NOW. I now longer need to carry Immodium with me everywhere. It's one of the benefits of eating healthy that I think should be mentioned more.
If you'd have told me a few years ago that I'd be on a diet that consisted mostly of various meats and cheeses I'd have called shenanigans on you. When I first heard of the high protein/low carb diet I thought it was too good to be true so I never looked into it. I thought, "there's no way that someone made a diet plan that called for eating two of my favorite food groups in abundance while justifying my lack of fruits and vegetables as healthy." I imagined it as a heaven full of steaks, fajitas, beef jerky, and barbeque sausage.
How wrong I was.
Since last Tuesday I've been on what's functionally an Atkin's Diet and I hate it. You see over the last few months I've grown accustomed to eating lots of fruit as a substitute for unhealthy snacks. It's worked tremendously well because if I snack slowly I remain full and have the satisfaction of knowing I'm taking care of myself. On this two week pre-op diet I'm limited to one piece of medium fruit per day. In this case I've chosen to have about 1/3 cup of watermelon. Sweet, delicious, juicy watermelon.
Now, I understand the basics behind the diet and why it's important for me to be on it before surgery but that doesn't make it any easier. These last few days have been hell. I'm pretty much always hungry and my stomach hurts most of the day.* I went walking with the dog last Wednesday and when I came home all sweaty E commented that something smelled like meat. While she first thought it was the pup we both came to the revolting conclusion that it was me. I smelled like a butcher's shop.
Two eggs with Turkey breakfast sausage. Small portion of watermelon. Roasted and lightly salted peanuts. Cocoa almonds. Low-fat cheese. Turkey lunchmeat. Roasted Chicken. Small bag of carrots and celery with almond butter. Baked chicken with melted cheddar (actually really good.)
By the time I get home I'm craving vegetables which is something I never thought I'd experience. I finish off the day with broccoli,green beans, salad, peppered cashews, and pistachios. That part isn't so bad as I find it's best to have my last meals be light so that I don't feel sluggish by the time I go to bed. Also, eating a bunch of fiber at work is a bad idea.
I've only got ten more days until the surgery. I had a talk with a co-worker, J, about surgery as she's had quite a few recently. I'll talk more about my thoughts on being cut open and having a virtual stranger root around in my insides later, but suffice to say I'm feeling a mix of excited, impatient, and anxious about the whole thing.
*WARNING - Honest Talk About Crapping*
For those who care not to read about the bowel movements of a 313lb (still!) man then skip this part.
For most of my adult life I assumed I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome because, to paraphrase Louis CK, every time I had to crap it was an emergency. For whatever bizarre reason, I never linked eating fast food almost exclusively with alternating constipation and diarrhea. Odd isn't it? When I once told E that I went #2 she was shocked and told me that something was wrong. I assumed she was weird or something.
The thing is once I started eating healthy I started having regular BMs. This may be too intimate a confession, but it is wonderful. I can now go out to eat in public without worrying that at any moment I might need to take a dump RIGHT NOW. I now longer need to carry Immodium with me everywhere. It's one of the benefits of eating healthy that I think should be mentioned more.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Two Weeks!
Last Week's Last Meal: Omlettry Pancakes. I've been craving some good pancakes for weeks now and had the opportunity to indulge myself this past Sunday on some of the lightest, fluffiest, and most delicious pancakes in town. I ordered the Eggonomical breakfast, but in hindsight I should have just gotten a short stack. Unlike sandwiches, eggs are best when you prepare them yourself, and despite their name the Omlettry's eggs are meh. Their pancakes though..oh man. I went all out with butter and syrup, and gave it my best shot. After I carved the soft, syrup soaked center out of a pancakes larger than most dinner plates I sat back and marveled in my indulgence. Tummy full and sweet tooth sated I'm glad to say I chose wisely for my Last Meal Breakfast.
In two weeks I'm getting bariatric surgery. It didn't really hit until this afternoon when I was considering how I'm going to approach the next two weeks on my pre-op diet. Of all the difficult things I'm going to tackle over the coming months this virtual Atkin's diet is turning out to be the hardest. I've grown accustom to using fruit as my go to snack food, and having to limit myself 1 medium piece of fruit a day is annoying.
What's really bothering me though is the realization that I still have powerful snack impulses when I'm at work. Over the last year I've taken steps to reduce the amount of time I spend doing nothing at home. So long as I stay busy with some task then I don't feel the need to snack. Work is another matter though. Eight hours of soul-crushing monotony can drive any person to find ways to alleviate the boredom. Some people take hourly smoke breaks, some people snack, some chat constantly, and some just don't do any work. Myself, I snack.
In past years I might chow down on chips, crackers, cookies, donuts, or candy. As I've talked about before, this usually leads to a nasty cycle of self-hatred and emotional eating that's only reinforced by being at a meaningless job. This year I've tried to make sure to bring my snacks from home so that I have a healthy choice at arms length. When I bring all my food from home I set myself up for success by making the healthy choice before I get in a situation where my instinct is to go for the unhealthy food.
Without a big bowl of fruit I can snack at throughout the work-day I'm at a loss as to what to do. Naturally the alternative is to bring carrots and/or celery to snack on, but without hummus I just don't have it in me. I've done exceptionally well over the last few years in expanding the number of vegetables I eat, but I still haven't reached the point where I like them in and of themselves. I've had the same bag of carrots prepared for the last week that I don't get around to eating with my lunch.
Of course all of my problems with snacking tie into larger issues as well. There's nothing stressful about my job. In fact it's anti-stressful. It's so non-stressful it blows past boring and heads straight into mind numbing. I'm not joking at all when I say that I like jobs with a moderate degree of stress - it makes the day fly by. The job itself isn't so bad, but the fact that it's a filler job, a temporary way to make some money while working on my Master's, means that I'm constantly reminded of how much I'd rather be doing something else. I know it's bad when the first thing I think on Monday morning is 39 hours and 59 minutes left to go.
Snacking was (and still is to some degree) my way of dealing with unhappiness. Emotional health is directly tied to physical health, and developing ways to deal with unhappiness has been a large focus of the last year of my life. I've largely succeeded, but being at work is like placing myself in temptation central.
I know I can do this, but the next two weeks are going to be hell. On a more positive note, two weeks is nothing and after they're done I get a full week off from work!
In two weeks I'm getting bariatric surgery. It didn't really hit until this afternoon when I was considering how I'm going to approach the next two weeks on my pre-op diet. Of all the difficult things I'm going to tackle over the coming months this virtual Atkin's diet is turning out to be the hardest. I've grown accustom to using fruit as my go to snack food, and having to limit myself 1 medium piece of fruit a day is annoying.
What's really bothering me though is the realization that I still have powerful snack impulses when I'm at work. Over the last year I've taken steps to reduce the amount of time I spend doing nothing at home. So long as I stay busy with some task then I don't feel the need to snack. Work is another matter though. Eight hours of soul-crushing monotony can drive any person to find ways to alleviate the boredom. Some people take hourly smoke breaks, some people snack, some chat constantly, and some just don't do any work. Myself, I snack.
In past years I might chow down on chips, crackers, cookies, donuts, or candy. As I've talked about before, this usually leads to a nasty cycle of self-hatred and emotional eating that's only reinforced by being at a meaningless job. This year I've tried to make sure to bring my snacks from home so that I have a healthy choice at arms length. When I bring all my food from home I set myself up for success by making the healthy choice before I get in a situation where my instinct is to go for the unhealthy food.
Without a big bowl of fruit I can snack at throughout the work-day I'm at a loss as to what to do. Naturally the alternative is to bring carrots and/or celery to snack on, but without hummus I just don't have it in me. I've done exceptionally well over the last few years in expanding the number of vegetables I eat, but I still haven't reached the point where I like them in and of themselves. I've had the same bag of carrots prepared for the last week that I don't get around to eating with my lunch.
Of course all of my problems with snacking tie into larger issues as well. There's nothing stressful about my job. In fact it's anti-stressful. It's so non-stressful it blows past boring and heads straight into mind numbing. I'm not joking at all when I say that I like jobs with a moderate degree of stress - it makes the day fly by. The job itself isn't so bad, but the fact that it's a filler job, a temporary way to make some money while working on my Master's, means that I'm constantly reminded of how much I'd rather be doing something else. I know it's bad when the first thing I think on Monday morning is 39 hours and 59 minutes left to go.
Snacking was (and still is to some degree) my way of dealing with unhappiness. Emotional health is directly tied to physical health, and developing ways to deal with unhappiness has been a large focus of the last year of my life. I've largely succeeded, but being at work is like placing myself in temptation central.
I know I can do this, but the next two weeks are going to be hell. On a more positive note, two weeks is nothing and after they're done I get a full week off from work!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I've hit the same plateau that I hit about this time last year. Somewhere around 313 to 318 pounds I hit a wall. I'm sure part of it is my body's way of trying balance itself out. Apparently our bodies don't like to lose weight because it likes to maintain a balance. Given that I've lost about 50lbs since January, it's not hard to understand that my body might take that as a cue that I'm starving and thus it's slowing down.
I think another reason I plateau at this point is that I've spent the last six months on a fairly strict regimen of diet and exercise and, honestly, on some level I'm tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I feel great and I'm proud of myself, but keeping up that level of self-discipline is difficult for me. Last night was the first time I've over-eaten in months. E and I got my pizza last meal (more on that later), and I chose to eat half of it. For the rest of the evening I felt like crap - no energy, too full to move, irritable, etc... It might be that relaxing my diet slightly before I need to go on my pre-op surgery will help me improve my morale and make it easier to lose weight after surgery. Nothing to drastic though.
Finally I think that I still haven't fully adjusted to my new work routine. I work at a boring, monotonous job where I sit at a desk all day shuffling through papers. The impulse to snack is overwhelming and due to being bored carrots and fruit rarely cut it. Between now and my surgery, I've got to come up with some new strategies to keep myself focused.
A lot of people, myself included, get disheartened by plateaus. While I'm frustrated, I'm taking this one as an opportunity to regroup and refocus. In some ways hitting this first plateau right before surgery is a good thing because it means the balance in my body will change soon and I'm already 50lbs toward my goal.
Speaking of surgery...
Yesterday (6/29) I got the call that my insurance has approved the operation! I've got a tentative operation date of July 24th with a pre-op exam on the 19th. Next week on the 5th I'm getting an EKG and the final blood work that I need, and on the 10th I start my pre-op Atkin's diet in order to shrink my liver. The smaller it is the less time the operation takes which is less time under anesthesia which makes for a safer surgery.
Needless to say I'm very excited. This will be the culmination of four or more years of hopes, frustrations, disappointments, hard work, and dedication. It will be the start of a new chapter in my efforts to become a healthier person.
My goals between now and the 10th are to keep up my diet and exercise, allow myself one last time to enjoy the foods I'm giving up indefinitely, and to acknowledge the good work I've done. Too often I deny myself the satisfaction of my accomplishments and focus solely on my failures. If I continue to do that then it will only makes things more difficult. I'm using the next few weeks to reflect on the struggle to get to where I am now so that I'll be in the best head-space I can be for myself.
Yesterday's Last Meal: Mangieri's Pizza - Alfredo sauce with chicken and bacon. Pizza has never been a favorite food of mine because I don't eat tomatoes. Before I discovered pesto and alfredo, I ate my pizzas dry. Mangier's isn't the best pizza I've had, but their chicken and alfredo is damn satisfying. It's a thin crust pizza on wheat dough (a mistake for a last meal) so I get more of the chicken and cheese flavors. It's cut into squares so it's easier to control portions (except for last night) and the middle, crust-less sections make for good breakfast. All in all, an excellent choice for a last meal. Pizza and a night of TED Talks on capitalism and western civ - a great way to spend a Friday night.
I think another reason I plateau at this point is that I've spent the last six months on a fairly strict regimen of diet and exercise and, honestly, on some level I'm tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I feel great and I'm proud of myself, but keeping up that level of self-discipline is difficult for me. Last night was the first time I've over-eaten in months. E and I got my pizza last meal (more on that later), and I chose to eat half of it. For the rest of the evening I felt like crap - no energy, too full to move, irritable, etc... It might be that relaxing my diet slightly before I need to go on my pre-op surgery will help me improve my morale and make it easier to lose weight after surgery. Nothing to drastic though.
Finally I think that I still haven't fully adjusted to my new work routine. I work at a boring, monotonous job where I sit at a desk all day shuffling through papers. The impulse to snack is overwhelming and due to being bored carrots and fruit rarely cut it. Between now and my surgery, I've got to come up with some new strategies to keep myself focused.
A lot of people, myself included, get disheartened by plateaus. While I'm frustrated, I'm taking this one as an opportunity to regroup and refocus. In some ways hitting this first plateau right before surgery is a good thing because it means the balance in my body will change soon and I'm already 50lbs toward my goal.
Speaking of surgery...
Yesterday (6/29) I got the call that my insurance has approved the operation! I've got a tentative operation date of July 24th with a pre-op exam on the 19th. Next week on the 5th I'm getting an EKG and the final blood work that I need, and on the 10th I start my pre-op Atkin's diet in order to shrink my liver. The smaller it is the less time the operation takes which is less time under anesthesia which makes for a safer surgery.
Needless to say I'm very excited. This will be the culmination of four or more years of hopes, frustrations, disappointments, hard work, and dedication. It will be the start of a new chapter in my efforts to become a healthier person.
My goals between now and the 10th are to keep up my diet and exercise, allow myself one last time to enjoy the foods I'm giving up indefinitely, and to acknowledge the good work I've done. Too often I deny myself the satisfaction of my accomplishments and focus solely on my failures. If I continue to do that then it will only makes things more difficult. I'm using the next few weeks to reflect on the struggle to get to where I am now so that I'll be in the best head-space I can be for myself.
Yesterday's Last Meal: Mangieri's Pizza - Alfredo sauce with chicken and bacon. Pizza has never been a favorite food of mine because I don't eat tomatoes. Before I discovered pesto and alfredo, I ate my pizzas dry. Mangier's isn't the best pizza I've had, but their chicken and alfredo is damn satisfying. It's a thin crust pizza on wheat dough (a mistake for a last meal) so I get more of the chicken and cheese flavors. It's cut into squares so it's easier to control portions (except for last night) and the middle, crust-less sections make for good breakfast. All in all, an excellent choice for a last meal. Pizza and a night of TED Talks on capitalism and western civ - a great way to spend a Friday night.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Things I'm Looking Forward To
I think the last few entries have been a little too heavy so here's a list of some of the reasons why I chose to go through with the surgery.
1) I can buy clothes from normal stores.
2) Being comfortable on an airplane.
3) Setting a healthy example for any kids E and I might have.
4) Not being so hot all the time.
5) More self-confidence
Last Meal: Man Bites Dog hotdog
If you were afraid that Dog Almighty's disappearance would spell the end for good hotdogs outside of Frank then you're wrong. MBD's hotdogs are every bit as good as DA's if not better. The dog itself is juicy, smokey, and satisfyingly meaty and the bun is frankly (no pun intended) excellent. The fries were so-so, but then I didn't choose to eat there because of the fries. I take no shame in being a huge fan of hotdogs, and Man Bites Dog served up an excellent last meal this week.
There's more to talk about that went on this week, but I can wait until the weekend to write about it. The stress of adjusting to a new schedule is compounded by searching for articles and books for my independent study I'm taking this fall semester. I need to reevaluate my goals before I burn-out.
1) I can buy clothes from normal stores.
2) Being comfortable on an airplane.
3) Setting a healthy example for any kids E and I might have.
4) Not being so hot all the time.
5) More self-confidence
Last Meal: Man Bites Dog hotdog
If you were afraid that Dog Almighty's disappearance would spell the end for good hotdogs outside of Frank then you're wrong. MBD's hotdogs are every bit as good as DA's if not better. The dog itself is juicy, smokey, and satisfyingly meaty and the bun is frankly (no pun intended) excellent. The fries were so-so, but then I didn't choose to eat there because of the fries. I take no shame in being a huge fan of hotdogs, and Man Bites Dog served up an excellent last meal this week.
There's more to talk about that went on this week, but I can wait until the weekend to write about it. The stress of adjusting to a new schedule is compounded by searching for articles and books for my independent study I'm taking this fall semester. I need to reevaluate my goals before I burn-out.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
My Fear
There's something I've run across in the last few weeks as I've become more open about my weight and preparation for surgery. While many of my family, friends, and co-workers have been supportive, I've noticed that almost as many who seem ambivalent or even slightly judgmental about what I'm doing. No one has outright said I shouldn't go through with it or that it's wrong for me to pursue surgery, but there are times when I get the impression that they want to say that.
I was talking with E and she mentioned a similar phenomenon when talking to other people about my weight. We both came to the conclusion that some people see anything other than pure willpower when it comes to weight loss as a sign of weakness. I can definitely say that I've come across some people who even tinge their judgement with a moral element. It's as if my weight and efforts to lose it speak to my moral character. If I weigh this much then I must lack some sort of conviction to overcome my weakness. What I personally want to tell these people is that they should me glad I'm doing something about it and that they can keep their misguided opinions about weight to themselves.
I've come across this reaction before with the personal trainers I've had over the years. The worst ones are those who have always been fit. For them, being healthy is just a decision you make without consideration for outside factors. I'm of the opinion that unless you've been overweight or obese then telling someone who is to just "make the choice to be healthy" does more harm than good. It places the blame squarely on that person's shoulders, and in my case makes me feel horrible about myself. Predictably, I'll then overeat because I feel bad, become upset that I overate, and then turn to food to help myself overcome that feeling.
If weight loss was simply a matter of pure will/choice then why would I choose to be obese? There's no advantage to it. There's no benefit from being this unhealthy. Ignoring all of the other factors that go in to why I eat the way I do and why it's hard for me to exercise just leads to me feeling terrible. I ate poorly and didn't exercise because of emotional issues coupled with lack of knowledge about nutrition and cooking. Fast food is easier, if more expensive, than cooking and the taste is comforting. I'll be honest, I like sugar, fat, and carbs. They taste good to me and I'm pretty sure they're supposed to given the way people ate pretty much any time before the mid 20th century.
Emotional, behavioral, biological. Those are the factors that weigh (no pun intended) on me when I make the choices I do about what I eat and how I exercise. I eat when I'm stressed or bored so I need to anticipate those moments. My default food choice is fast food because it's how I ate for so long. To be sure, I make the final decision whether I'm aware of it or not, but like all decisions I make there's a lot more that goes into it than willpower.
It bothers me that some people aren't as supportive as I'd like for them to be. Oddly enough I get non-supportive reactions from other people with weight problems. Perhaps it's just me, but there seems to be resentment behind their reactions. It's as if by doing something about my own problem I'm casting judgement on them. I think my biggest fear is that I'll upset them. I don't want to cause resentment in others because of what I'm doing, but I'm afraid that might happen whether I like it or not.
Last Meals: No last meals since last Sunday, but I have enjoyed a variety of tasty desserts this week. E and I sampled the new Whole Food's bakery and I got to taste test her decorated cupcakes. However, tonight I'll have a great pasta dish and caramel gelato. Mmmm.
I was talking with E and she mentioned a similar phenomenon when talking to other people about my weight. We both came to the conclusion that some people see anything other than pure willpower when it comes to weight loss as a sign of weakness. I can definitely say that I've come across some people who even tinge their judgement with a moral element. It's as if my weight and efforts to lose it speak to my moral character. If I weigh this much then I must lack some sort of conviction to overcome my weakness. What I personally want to tell these people is that they should me glad I'm doing something about it and that they can keep their misguided opinions about weight to themselves.
I've come across this reaction before with the personal trainers I've had over the years. The worst ones are those who have always been fit. For them, being healthy is just a decision you make without consideration for outside factors. I'm of the opinion that unless you've been overweight or obese then telling someone who is to just "make the choice to be healthy" does more harm than good. It places the blame squarely on that person's shoulders, and in my case makes me feel horrible about myself. Predictably, I'll then overeat because I feel bad, become upset that I overate, and then turn to food to help myself overcome that feeling.
If weight loss was simply a matter of pure will/choice then why would I choose to be obese? There's no advantage to it. There's no benefit from being this unhealthy. Ignoring all of the other factors that go in to why I eat the way I do and why it's hard for me to exercise just leads to me feeling terrible. I ate poorly and didn't exercise because of emotional issues coupled with lack of knowledge about nutrition and cooking. Fast food is easier, if more expensive, than cooking and the taste is comforting. I'll be honest, I like sugar, fat, and carbs. They taste good to me and I'm pretty sure they're supposed to given the way people ate pretty much any time before the mid 20th century.
Emotional, behavioral, biological. Those are the factors that weigh (no pun intended) on me when I make the choices I do about what I eat and how I exercise. I eat when I'm stressed or bored so I need to anticipate those moments. My default food choice is fast food because it's how I ate for so long. To be sure, I make the final decision whether I'm aware of it or not, but like all decisions I make there's a lot more that goes into it than willpower.
It bothers me that some people aren't as supportive as I'd like for them to be. Oddly enough I get non-supportive reactions from other people with weight problems. Perhaps it's just me, but there seems to be resentment behind their reactions. It's as if by doing something about my own problem I'm casting judgement on them. I think my biggest fear is that I'll upset them. I don't want to cause resentment in others because of what I'm doing, but I'm afraid that might happen whether I like it or not.
Last Meals: No last meals since last Sunday, but I have enjoyed a variety of tasty desserts this week. E and I sampled the new Whole Food's bakery and I got to taste test her decorated cupcakes. However, tonight I'll have a great pasta dish and caramel gelato. Mmmm.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The Weekends Are For Cheating
Last Meal: Shipley's Donuts. For the longest time it seemed like Shipley's Donuts were my little secret. They aren't anymore, but that doesn't make them any less delicious. Their cake doughnuts are easily the best ones I've ever eaten. Today I got both blueberry cake and a buttermilk cake (along with a kolache) and deliberately forgot my rules for portion control. I washed them down with fresh milk from a local dairy farm that E bought yesterday at the farmer's market. Mmm. I'll check that one off the list.
This past Thursday I saw my dietician for the first time. We talked about additional techniques for portion control - use utensils meant for toddlers, eat with non-dominant hand, chew 30 times, and don't drink within 5 minutes before or 60 minutes after a meal to name a few. He identified some signs I should look out for to tell if I'm full. One of these, pain in shoulder or upper chest, feels similar to a heart attack and may explain sensations I've had for a few years now when I eat. Oh, I also should expect to vomit daily until I get used to eating with a stomach the size of a golf ball. Fun times.
It was really good to talk to someone frankly about the hurdles I'll need to overcome accommodate my new lifestyle. I'll be on a liquid diet for about 2 weeks after surgery. Following that I'll be on pureed foods for about a week, then soft foods for another, and finally get back on regular foods about 4 to 6 weeks after surgery. This gradual progression should help relieve pain and reduce nausea.
We also discussed how the surgery isn't a guaranteed cure like some people think it is. He warned me that people who fail to lose wait usually do so because they still eat like crap. My physician warned me of the same thing and said many people get frustrated that they can't eat double cheeseburgers without throwing up and have their band removed. I wonder why they even opted to get surgery if they're going to be that oblivious. To ensure I'll succeed, I'm going to follow 9 basic rules:
1) Eat slowly
2) Chew food thoroughly
3) Don't drink during meals (apparently you'll eat more if you drink as it cleanses the palate and softens food so it exits the stomach faster)
4) Stop eating when full
5) Eat 3 meals/day without snacking (unless they're veggies of course)
6) sip low calorie drinks between meals to alleviate hunger or 'boredom eating'
7) Select a balanced diet
8) Exercise regularly
9) Take multivitamins
I'm already working on most of these, but not drinking during meals will be the hardest. I'll also need to avoid breads, tough meats, spicy foods, citrus, and lactose for a few months.
What I appreciated most though was that he didn't specify a specific diet or condemn any foods. He warned me that certain junk foods, namely chips and ice cream, pass easily through the restricted opening, but that it was my choice whether to eat them or not. I thought the lack of a prescribed diet beyond the basics really showed respect for my decisions and allowed me flexibility to change my diet according to my needs. Balance is what's important, not whatever fad is hip this month. That said, I'll probably be a de facto vegetarian for the most part. This will help save money and make meats a special treat when I decide to eat them.
*Post script for the last entry*
I want to be clear that I don't hate myself or the way I look, but for a good portion of my life I've felt like a healthy, athletic person in a fat suit. There are plenty of times I look in the mirror and see all the good physical qualities I have. I'm handsome, have a cheerful smile, and I've got some killer baby blues. In the right clothes I feel comfortable, and I've had enough women interested in me to assume I'm not a disgusting pig. I feel good about myself, but I don't always feel comfortable and I want to be healthy. I was afraid I came off as self-loathing, but those moments are few and usually coincide with other general negative feelings.
Now, it's time to finish my General Tso's because it's the weekend and I and can do that sort of thing because I take care of myself and eat healthy portions of fried chicken in a rich spicy sauce with starchy white rice. You can really stretch it out if you split up a restaurant size portion into four meals.
This past Thursday I saw my dietician for the first time. We talked about additional techniques for portion control - use utensils meant for toddlers, eat with non-dominant hand, chew 30 times, and don't drink within 5 minutes before or 60 minutes after a meal to name a few. He identified some signs I should look out for to tell if I'm full. One of these, pain in shoulder or upper chest, feels similar to a heart attack and may explain sensations I've had for a few years now when I eat. Oh, I also should expect to vomit daily until I get used to eating with a stomach the size of a golf ball. Fun times.
It was really good to talk to someone frankly about the hurdles I'll need to overcome accommodate my new lifestyle. I'll be on a liquid diet for about 2 weeks after surgery. Following that I'll be on pureed foods for about a week, then soft foods for another, and finally get back on regular foods about 4 to 6 weeks after surgery. This gradual progression should help relieve pain and reduce nausea.
We also discussed how the surgery isn't a guaranteed cure like some people think it is. He warned me that people who fail to lose wait usually do so because they still eat like crap. My physician warned me of the same thing and said many people get frustrated that they can't eat double cheeseburgers without throwing up and have their band removed. I wonder why they even opted to get surgery if they're going to be that oblivious. To ensure I'll succeed, I'm going to follow 9 basic rules:
1) Eat slowly
2) Chew food thoroughly
3) Don't drink during meals (apparently you'll eat more if you drink as it cleanses the palate and softens food so it exits the stomach faster)
4) Stop eating when full
5) Eat 3 meals/day without snacking (unless they're veggies of course)
6) sip low calorie drinks between meals to alleviate hunger or 'boredom eating'
7) Select a balanced diet
8) Exercise regularly
9) Take multivitamins
I'm already working on most of these, but not drinking during meals will be the hardest. I'll also need to avoid breads, tough meats, spicy foods, citrus, and lactose for a few months.
What I appreciated most though was that he didn't specify a specific diet or condemn any foods. He warned me that certain junk foods, namely chips and ice cream, pass easily through the restricted opening, but that it was my choice whether to eat them or not. I thought the lack of a prescribed diet beyond the basics really showed respect for my decisions and allowed me flexibility to change my diet according to my needs. Balance is what's important, not whatever fad is hip this month. That said, I'll probably be a de facto vegetarian for the most part. This will help save money and make meats a special treat when I decide to eat them.
*Post script for the last entry*
I want to be clear that I don't hate myself or the way I look, but for a good portion of my life I've felt like a healthy, athletic person in a fat suit. There are plenty of times I look in the mirror and see all the good physical qualities I have. I'm handsome, have a cheerful smile, and I've got some killer baby blues. In the right clothes I feel comfortable, and I've had enough women interested in me to assume I'm not a disgusting pig. I feel good about myself, but I don't always feel comfortable and I want to be healthy. I was afraid I came off as self-loathing, but those moments are few and usually coincide with other general negative feelings.
Now, it's time to finish my General Tso's because it's the weekend and I and can do that sort of thing because I take care of myself and eat healthy portions of fried chicken in a rich spicy sauce with starchy white rice. You can really stretch it out if you split up a restaurant size portion into four meals.
Friday, June 15, 2012
It'll Be Soon Now
I'm down to 313lbs as of this Thursday.
E made a comment last week about how I don't really enjoy my food in the sense that I savor the smell and taste of it. She's right. Truth be told, I hate eating and mostly just eat to fill time or relive stress. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the tastes and textures of the food I eat, but I don't really appreciate them for what they are. They're just sensations to me and not experiences in and of themselves if that makes sense.
I hate eating for the same reason I hate sleeping - it reminds me that I have a physical existence. Deep down I'm annoyed that my mind/personality is shackled to a body that needs things to function. Take sleep. I hate to go to bed. It's hard for me not to see sleep as a daily defeat. I'm aware of the benefits of sleep, but I hate to go to bed because I usually think it's a waste of my time. There is always something else I can do in the day.
I see eating in much the same way. I hate having to eat. Every time I eat I have to face the challenge of making healthy choices. Historically, I don't have a good track record. If I have to eat I've done something wrong therefore I'll put it off as long as possible. This is where my routine comes in. If I set my meals at certain times and prepare my meals ahead of time then I can eat without feeling bad, but if I put it off and wait until I'm shaking with hunger then I'll eat crap and feel bad physically and emotionally.
Eating and sleeping remind me that I have a body and that's just not something that I'm comfortable with. I don't feel like I belong in it. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but I'm constantly aware of where my body is in relation to my immediate surroundings or of how I look. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm always thinking about how I'm standing or sitting, how my clothes look on me, or where I am in relation to other people. There have been times when I've planned outings based on available seating. For example, I hate seeing movies on opening weekends. It usually means I'll have to sit next to someone other than E, and even if she's the only one I'm sitting next to I'll worry I'm crowding her.
A few weeks ago I saw the Avengers and had to sit next to a stranger! I couldn't enjoy the movie fully because I was worried that I was getting in her way. By contrast I saw Prometheus by myself and had a wonderful time because there was no one within 3 seats of me on either side. In restaurants, airplanes, people's homes and in my own bed I spend a great deal of conscious thought trying to get out of people's way.
I think this is why I enjoy exercising during the hottest part of the day. Other than sun burn, I like taking a 45min walk in 105 degree weather. It just feels right. It's not that I'm suicidal or want to harm myself, but it feels good to be out sweating, squinting, thirsty, and eventually dead tired. I really enjoy my sleep on those days.
As I lose weight these thoughts and feelings go away. I still obsess about how my clothes look, but now it's because they're meant for someone who's 50lbs heavier. I still worry that I'm in someone's way, but I feel more comfortable with myself as I lose weight. There's a lot that goes as I start to form healthy habits and change my lifestyle. Healthy thinking leads to good decisions which in turn lead to good feelings. When I eat right and exercise, I enjoy my sleep and I can eat without feeling bad about it. I feel more comfortable with myself and that lets me relax when I'm around others.
No Last Meal since last Tuesday, but that's okay. My dietician warned me about eating too many Last Meals and undoing the hard work I've done so far. I told him I wouldn't go overboard with it.
E made a comment last week about how I don't really enjoy my food in the sense that I savor the smell and taste of it. She's right. Truth be told, I hate eating and mostly just eat to fill time or relive stress. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the tastes and textures of the food I eat, but I don't really appreciate them for what they are. They're just sensations to me and not experiences in and of themselves if that makes sense.
I hate eating for the same reason I hate sleeping - it reminds me that I have a physical existence. Deep down I'm annoyed that my mind/personality is shackled to a body that needs things to function. Take sleep. I hate to go to bed. It's hard for me not to see sleep as a daily defeat. I'm aware of the benefits of sleep, but I hate to go to bed because I usually think it's a waste of my time. There is always something else I can do in the day.
I see eating in much the same way. I hate having to eat. Every time I eat I have to face the challenge of making healthy choices. Historically, I don't have a good track record. If I have to eat I've done something wrong therefore I'll put it off as long as possible. This is where my routine comes in. If I set my meals at certain times and prepare my meals ahead of time then I can eat without feeling bad, but if I put it off and wait until I'm shaking with hunger then I'll eat crap and feel bad physically and emotionally.
Eating and sleeping remind me that I have a body and that's just not something that I'm comfortable with. I don't feel like I belong in it. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but I'm constantly aware of where my body is in relation to my immediate surroundings or of how I look. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm always thinking about how I'm standing or sitting, how my clothes look on me, or where I am in relation to other people. There have been times when I've planned outings based on available seating. For example, I hate seeing movies on opening weekends. It usually means I'll have to sit next to someone other than E, and even if she's the only one I'm sitting next to I'll worry I'm crowding her.
A few weeks ago I saw the Avengers and had to sit next to a stranger! I couldn't enjoy the movie fully because I was worried that I was getting in her way. By contrast I saw Prometheus by myself and had a wonderful time because there was no one within 3 seats of me on either side. In restaurants, airplanes, people's homes and in my own bed I spend a great deal of conscious thought trying to get out of people's way.
I think this is why I enjoy exercising during the hottest part of the day. Other than sun burn, I like taking a 45min walk in 105 degree weather. It just feels right. It's not that I'm suicidal or want to harm myself, but it feels good to be out sweating, squinting, thirsty, and eventually dead tired. I really enjoy my sleep on those days.
As I lose weight these thoughts and feelings go away. I still obsess about how my clothes look, but now it's because they're meant for someone who's 50lbs heavier. I still worry that I'm in someone's way, but I feel more comfortable with myself as I lose weight. There's a lot that goes as I start to form healthy habits and change my lifestyle. Healthy thinking leads to good decisions which in turn lead to good feelings. When I eat right and exercise, I enjoy my sleep and I can eat without feeling bad about it. I feel more comfortable with myself and that lets me relax when I'm around others.
No Last Meal since last Tuesday, but that's okay. My dietician warned me about eating too many Last Meals and undoing the hard work I've done so far. I told him I wouldn't go overboard with it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Portion Control and 2, count 'em, Two! Last Meals
Today's Last Meal: Chicken Pasta with Homemade Pesto, Broccoli, and Spinach Noodles. This is some real comfort food right here. The nooks and crannies of the broccoli really soak up the pesto and the pasta, oh my god, the pasta. Of course when E makes this dish there's enough for a whole week so I'll be eating this "last meal" for awhile. Oh god the pasta.
I'm learning various techniques to help me learn healthy portion control. For awhile now I've been really curious as to why most restaurants don't offer half-sized portions of entrees. Part of the reason I never developed a sense of proper proportion control is because of the "clean your plate" syndrome. Driven by guilt over starving children in third world countries, I learned that I had to eat all of the food on my plate in order to finish my meal. As a consequence I don't consider a meal done until I'm uncomfortably full. Unfortunately that uncomfortably full sensation doesn't hit until about 5-7 minutes after I should have stopped eating.
Here's a list of the techniques I'm starting to use to help me eat healthier.
-ask for a to-go box immediately upon getting food at a restaurant and put 2/3rds away for later.
- no eating in front of the TV or while working (still haven't got this one down)
- eat slowly (chew at least 15-20 times; place fork down while eating a small bite and wait about 30sec before taking another)
- eat off of a small plate
- eat while standing up
- eat a meal's portion of fruits and/or vegetables before going out to eat
- get the smallest portion available for any junk food
I've found that incorporating even just a few of these really helps me keep my eating under control. Let's take a Last Meal that I ate over the weekend as an example.
Last Week's Last Meal: Dan's Hamburger and Chocolate Shake. This greasy, cheesy, hot burger is a heart attack waiting to happen. It's also one of the best cheese burgers I've had. A year or so ago I'd have ordered the large double cheeseburger (you read that right, large AND double) with fries and a large shake. Saturday I made do with a small single and a small chocolate shake.
Here's how I exercised portion control on the last grease-bomb burger I might ever eat. I removed one of the buns and cut the remaining burger in half - instant double cheeseburger. I chewed each bite about 12-15 times (this has the added benefit of really letting me taste the burger instead of just wolfing it down). I bit off small quarter-sized portions, and waited until I'd finished chewing and completely swallowed the bite before taking another. Even though I ate in front of the TV, I made sure that I set my burger down while I chewed to avoid the reflex of taking another bite while still chewing. By eating so slowly, it was easier to tell when I was getting full.
Don't ask about the shake. It's a chocolate shake and it might be my last one so I drank it all up. I drank my milkshake!
I'm learning various techniques to help me learn healthy portion control. For awhile now I've been really curious as to why most restaurants don't offer half-sized portions of entrees. Part of the reason I never developed a sense of proper proportion control is because of the "clean your plate" syndrome. Driven by guilt over starving children in third world countries, I learned that I had to eat all of the food on my plate in order to finish my meal. As a consequence I don't consider a meal done until I'm uncomfortably full. Unfortunately that uncomfortably full sensation doesn't hit until about 5-7 minutes after I should have stopped eating.
Here's a list of the techniques I'm starting to use to help me eat healthier.
-ask for a to-go box immediately upon getting food at a restaurant and put 2/3rds away for later.
- no eating in front of the TV or while working (still haven't got this one down)
- eat slowly (chew at least 15-20 times; place fork down while eating a small bite and wait about 30sec before taking another)
- eat off of a small plate
- eat while standing up
- eat a meal's portion of fruits and/or vegetables before going out to eat
- get the smallest portion available for any junk food
I've found that incorporating even just a few of these really helps me keep my eating under control. Let's take a Last Meal that I ate over the weekend as an example.
Last Week's Last Meal: Dan's Hamburger and Chocolate Shake. This greasy, cheesy, hot burger is a heart attack waiting to happen. It's also one of the best cheese burgers I've had. A year or so ago I'd have ordered the large double cheeseburger (you read that right, large AND double) with fries and a large shake. Saturday I made do with a small single and a small chocolate shake.
Here's how I exercised portion control on the last grease-bomb burger I might ever eat. I removed one of the buns and cut the remaining burger in half - instant double cheeseburger. I chewed each bite about 12-15 times (this has the added benefit of really letting me taste the burger instead of just wolfing it down). I bit off small quarter-sized portions, and waited until I'd finished chewing and completely swallowed the bite before taking another. Even though I ate in front of the TV, I made sure that I set my burger down while I chewed to avoid the reflex of taking another bite while still chewing. By eating so slowly, it was easier to tell when I was getting full.
Don't ask about the shake. It's a chocolate shake and it might be my last one so I drank it all up. I drank my milkshake!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Why Routine Works for Me.
Today's Last Meal: Costco Frozen Yogurt Swirl. Costco's FroYo has the texture and consistency of excellent soft serve ice-cream with the guilt-free label of frozen yogurt. I'm sure it's horrible for me (that might be why it tastes so good) and so it definitely made it to my list of last meals. It's 16oz of creamy chocolatey-vanilla goodness. Mmmm. They also give you the most satisfying plastic spoon to eat it with. It almost rivals Wendy's Spoon.
I also had a Sprite with it. Fountain Sprite.
One of the most important things I learned in my formative years was "thinking outside the box", "no limits", or "be a free spirit". All that created a tremendous pressure to avoid routine an discipline. The truly realized human being doesn't need the crutch of regularity, man.
Heh.
It's taken more than a decade for me to realize that I need routine to live a healthy life. Without structure or boundaries I just drift. I'll do nothing or act purely on impulse like all those lovable, quirky characters that inevitably showed up in 90s TV and movies. The only problem is in real life that got me nothing. I do well with structure because it's reliable. In the context of weight loss, routine allows me to achieve the goals I want. I'd eat the same food at the same times everyday if it meant I would lose weight. I know this because when I eat poorly I eat the same food at the same times everyday. I think the real trick was learning that self-imposed routine is a good and healthy thing. I missed that part in high school.
Today I went back to work at my job. I'll leave out the downsides of it in order to highlight one of the best things I like about it. When I'm working, it helps me maintain a healthy diet:
4:55am - light breakfast of mostly proteins
7:00am - second breakfast! fruits and cheese
10:30-11:00am - snack of carrots, celery, or more fruit
1:00pm - lunch, 1/2 turkey sandwich, snap peas, apple
3:30pm - post workout snack, I might indulge here and have a small glass of chocolate milk
7-8pm - dinner
10:30-11pm - bed
A routine like this helps me make sure I eat right. Without it, I'll just snack on junk food throughout the workday, feel like shit, not workout, be exhausted, sleep poorly, not have time for breakfast, get something fast, eat junk, etc...
When it comes to food, I've got to keep a tight reign on myself because I have trouble maintaining self-discipline. It's not something that comes naturally to me when food is involved. It's something I'm always thinking about. Something I've got to plan ahead for. If I'm feeling down, that need for structure makes me think I'm weak. That is I were stronger I wouldn't need the routine to be healthy. That way of thinking doesn't do me any good, but it can be difficult to fight.
I think the trick to food self-discipline is to 1) forgive myself when I screw up and 2) plan for reasonable indulgences so I can still enjoy the foods I like. If I've eaten well all week then I might relax a bit on the weekends. If I do eat unhealthily, I recover much faster if I admit my mistake, forgive myself, and get back to my diet.
I also had a Sprite with it. Fountain Sprite.
One of the most important things I learned in my formative years was "thinking outside the box", "no limits", or "be a free spirit". All that created a tremendous pressure to avoid routine an discipline. The truly realized human being doesn't need the crutch of regularity, man.
Heh.
It's taken more than a decade for me to realize that I need routine to live a healthy life. Without structure or boundaries I just drift. I'll do nothing or act purely on impulse like all those lovable, quirky characters that inevitably showed up in 90s TV and movies. The only problem is in real life that got me nothing. I do well with structure because it's reliable. In the context of weight loss, routine allows me to achieve the goals I want. I'd eat the same food at the same times everyday if it meant I would lose weight. I know this because when I eat poorly I eat the same food at the same times everyday. I think the real trick was learning that self-imposed routine is a good and healthy thing. I missed that part in high school.
Today I went back to work at my job. I'll leave out the downsides of it in order to highlight one of the best things I like about it. When I'm working, it helps me maintain a healthy diet:
4:55am - light breakfast of mostly proteins
7:00am - second breakfast! fruits and cheese
10:30-11:00am - snack of carrots, celery, or more fruit
1:00pm - lunch, 1/2 turkey sandwich, snap peas, apple
3:30pm - post workout snack, I might indulge here and have a small glass of chocolate milk
7-8pm - dinner
10:30-11pm - bed
A routine like this helps me make sure I eat right. Without it, I'll just snack on junk food throughout the workday, feel like shit, not workout, be exhausted, sleep poorly, not have time for breakfast, get something fast, eat junk, etc...
When it comes to food, I've got to keep a tight reign on myself because I have trouble maintaining self-discipline. It's not something that comes naturally to me when food is involved. It's something I'm always thinking about. Something I've got to plan ahead for. If I'm feeling down, that need for structure makes me think I'm weak. That is I were stronger I wouldn't need the routine to be healthy. That way of thinking doesn't do me any good, but it can be difficult to fight.
I think the trick to food self-discipline is to 1) forgive myself when I screw up and 2) plan for reasonable indulgences so I can still enjoy the foods I like. If I've eaten well all week then I might relax a bit on the weekends. If I do eat unhealthily, I recover much faster if I admit my mistake, forgive myself, and get back to my diet.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Yesterday's Food and Calorie Input/Output
Yesterday I ate like shit. I usually allow myself one day per week to eat what I want even though I never feel good afterwards. What I ate yesterday represents a pretty standard day of what I'd eat if I'm not paying attention to my diet.
Here are the approximate calories for yesterday's food.
Chips & Queso 750
Coke 4x 8oz 388
IBC root beer 160
Apple x2 190
Chick fil a sandwich 440
Total: 1928
Cost: $31 (by comparison, this is roughly the amount of money it costs to buy fruits and vegetables for Emma and I for a full week)
Exercise: 1 hour of walking 369
The approximate amount of calories I burned just sitting around the house: 3326
The amount of sugar, carbs, etc from all that food outweigh the net calorie loss.
So, yeah, that's hardly a healthy diet. My main difficulties in the weeks ahead will definitely be portion control and food choice. It's too easy for me to rationalize eating unhealthy on the weekends. I do well most weekdays, but when the weekend comes all bets are off. My portion control is bad as well. If it's in front of me I'll eat it. I've adopted some techniques to help deal with portion control, but they require me to really think about what I'm doing an not just operate on auto-pilot.
Here are the approximate calories for yesterday's food.
Chips & Queso 750
Coke 4x 8oz 388
IBC root beer 160
Apple x2 190
Chick fil a sandwich 440
Total: 1928
Cost: $31 (by comparison, this is roughly the amount of money it costs to buy fruits and vegetables for Emma and I for a full week)
Exercise: 1 hour of walking 369
The approximate amount of calories I burned just sitting around the house: 3326
The amount of sugar, carbs, etc from all that food outweigh the net calorie loss.
So, yeah, that's hardly a healthy diet. My main difficulties in the weeks ahead will definitely be portion control and food choice. It's too easy for me to rationalize eating unhealthy on the weekends. I do well most weekdays, but when the weekend comes all bets are off. My portion control is bad as well. If it's in front of me I'll eat it. I've adopted some techniques to help deal with portion control, but they require me to really think about what I'm doing an not just operate on auto-pilot.
The Story Thus Far
Before the end of the summer, I'll finally get the bariatric surgery I've talked about getting for the last few years. For a long time, it's been this nebulous goal that I could hold out in front of me as a way to dodge the responsibility of eating healthy and exercising. As January of 2011 I started taking it seriously. I began to eat better and exercise daily and from January to June of last year I went from 363lbs to 313lbs.
In mid-June I moved from the day shift at my job to the night shift in order to accommodate summer school. In as many months as it took me to lose the weight it took that long to gain it back. Working night shift is depressing. In order to deal with the monotony of mindless clerical work, I began snacking again. Chips, candy, cookies, and sodas helped to pass the time. It also provided comfort me as working night shift made me feel disconnected to every relationship I had. Night shift also killed my exercise routine because I spent most of my time before work anxious over having to go to work.
In January of 2012 I got my annual physical and decided that I would start anew. My insurance required 6 months of medically supervised weight lose so I made regular visits to my doctor. Again, a healthy diet and regular exercise paid off and I'm down to 323lbs as of this week. It's a real struggle though. I'm not sure how others deal with addiction, but for me it's a constant conscious struggle. Eating right is something I have to think about pretty much all day. Did I wake up in time to eat breakfast? Did I make sure to eat enough of the right foods for breakfast? What sort of food is available for snacking? Did I get all my fruits and veggies in? All of that plus the near persistent impulse to eat junk.
A few weeks ago I attended the preliminary seminar that's necessary for bariatric surgery. This past Tuesday I met with my surgeon for the first time and next Thursday I'll meet with my dietician. If all goes well, I'll have the surgery by the end of July.
In the mean time I'm still struggling with food. Exercise is pretty easy for me now. A mile or two of walking per day barely registers as work at this point. If it didn't kill my knees I'd start jogging. I've decided that in the coming weeks I'm going to enjoy some of my favorite meals guilt-free. After surgery I may never get to eat another chicken fried steak or fettuccine alfredo for years if not for the rest of my life. I'm not sad about it as eating those foods makes me feel horrible (it's funny how I didn't really notice it when I ate junk constantly), but it will be nice to eat them in healthy portions one last time.
In mid-June I moved from the day shift at my job to the night shift in order to accommodate summer school. In as many months as it took me to lose the weight it took that long to gain it back. Working night shift is depressing. In order to deal with the monotony of mindless clerical work, I began snacking again. Chips, candy, cookies, and sodas helped to pass the time. It also provided comfort me as working night shift made me feel disconnected to every relationship I had. Night shift also killed my exercise routine because I spent most of my time before work anxious over having to go to work.
In January of 2012 I got my annual physical and decided that I would start anew. My insurance required 6 months of medically supervised weight lose so I made regular visits to my doctor. Again, a healthy diet and regular exercise paid off and I'm down to 323lbs as of this week. It's a real struggle though. I'm not sure how others deal with addiction, but for me it's a constant conscious struggle. Eating right is something I have to think about pretty much all day. Did I wake up in time to eat breakfast? Did I make sure to eat enough of the right foods for breakfast? What sort of food is available for snacking? Did I get all my fruits and veggies in? All of that plus the near persistent impulse to eat junk.
A few weeks ago I attended the preliminary seminar that's necessary for bariatric surgery. This past Tuesday I met with my surgeon for the first time and next Thursday I'll meet with my dietician. If all goes well, I'll have the surgery by the end of July.
In the mean time I'm still struggling with food. Exercise is pretty easy for me now. A mile or two of walking per day barely registers as work at this point. If it didn't kill my knees I'd start jogging. I've decided that in the coming weeks I'm going to enjoy some of my favorite meals guilt-free. After surgery I may never get to eat another chicken fried steak or fettuccine alfredo for years if not for the rest of my life. I'm not sad about it as eating those foods makes me feel horrible (it's funny how I didn't really notice it when I ate junk constantly), but it will be nice to eat them in healthy portions one last time.
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