I met with my surgeon last Thursday for the last time before my surgery. We went over the specifics of the procedure and what my recovery will be like. It's a laparoscopic surgery so I'll only have five small incisions about an inch or so in length in my abdomen. He didn't really say how long it will take, it should be between 20min to an hour. Of course there's a whole host of complications that could come up (and they made me sign a waiver detailing all of the various complications, including death), but I'm trying to focus more on the fact that this particular surgeons group has a perfect record.
This will be the second time I've been under general anesthesia (the first time being for tonsils which I don't remember), and I've got to say I'm a little nervous about it. Part of the nervousness comes from reading all of the ways in which general anesthesia can mess with me. I'd say the other part isn't nervousness based on fear but rather nervousness at starting a radical new period of my life.
I've been preparing for this for nearly 8 months, but it's still daunting to think about. I've got all of my technical information down, but it's learning how to put it into practice that I'm nervous about. After Tuesday the way I live will be totally different that what I'm used to. It's exciting, nerve-wracking, scary, and hopeful all at the same time. I'm looking forward to so much.
I usually do well with change in my life. Whether it's moving, starting a new job, or going back to school it usually doesn't take me too long to adapt. Getting into a healthy routine is essential for my success, and having a month or so to gradually get used to eating differently will help with that. It'd be much more difficult if there were no transition period to separate my old life from my new one.
I'm trying not to anticipate difficulties. It might sound like a recipe for failure, but I find I do better when I focus on the specifics of my goals in small increments. I'm making a huge life change that will require lots of change on my part as well as E's. However, my decisions to life healthy are a day to day, moment to moment decision. Long term achievements with daily goals. Can I walk by those cookies someone brought to work? Can I resist the spontaneous urge to drink a Coke. Will I be able to control myself? I'd like to say absolutely yes to each one, but I won't know until they come up. I've been working for two years now on making sure I'm aware of when I'm making a decision and the motivations for why I choose what I choose.
In three days a skilled, experienced surgeon surgeon will cut small holes in me, insert long metal tools into my abdominal cavity, and, with the aid of a camera, place an inflatable silicone ring around the upper portion of stomach. What a tremendous thing.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
By This Time Next Week...
...my surgery will be done with and I'll probably be resting. Apparently I'll feel okay by the next day, but I haven't ever had this type of surgery before and I've got no idea how long it will take to recover.
This is my last week to enjoy solid foods until early September. For 1-2 weeks after surgery I'll be on a liquid diet (the first two days clear liquids only), and the following week I'll be on a puree diet. I've got specific goals I have to meet each week before I can move on to the next stage. For the first stage I need to consistently drink 64oz of fluids per day. For my pureed diet it's being able to eat 3 meals per day, for my semi-solid diet it's chewing my bites 30 times, and once I'm back on solids it's resting between each bite. Each stage is designed to help me get used to my new stomach, or 'pouch', without hurting myself. Hopefully by the time my birthday hits I'll be able to eat regularly and I might even be able to enjoy a literal (small) bite of cake. It will be glorious.
For the moment I'm slogging through the high-protein/low-carb meals. I've got a good system going on now, but this is definitely not the diet for me.
I've given a lot of thought to how I want to eat once I'm back on solid food. I've never been a fan of the 'fad' diet, but I do think there is some good that can come out of having a limited set of daily foods to build a healthy diet around. I'll have to wait and see what works for me once I'm adjusted to the band.
Last Meal: Estancia Churrascaria.
E decided that for my penultimate last meal we should eat at this delicious restaurant. For those who are unfamiliar with Brazilian steakhouses let me paint you a picture. After your waiter takes your drink order you're directed to a large salad bar with a variety of tasty (so I'm told) vegetables, cheeses, and cured meats. Once you've had your fill of roughage, your waiter brings out a clean plate and the feast truly begins.
Each diner has a card that is red on one side and green on the other. As you flip your card over to green you're swarmed by servers with long skewers of smoking, steaming, glistening, and aromatic meats. Bacon wrapped filet mignon, pork tenderloin covered in parmesan, pork sausage, garlic sirloin, beef ribs, leg of lamb, juicy chicken breast...yum. This all you can (m)eat extravaganza continues until you turn your card over. At this point you tuck in, but the wise take their time and eat each cut slowly so as to savor the meat and pace themselves for more.
We invited two friends along, A and J, who both appreciate the finer qualities of the churrascaria. We first ate there of A's birthday a few months ago, and after stuffing myself full of beef, chicken, and pork I wondered where these restaurants had been all my life.
Obviously a place that serves mostly meat (they also have mashed potatoes, polenta, fried bananas, and cheese rolls - foods meant to fill you up) was a perfect choice for me given my current dietary restrictions. Estancia is a thing of beauty and I've developed a fine method for eating as much meat as possible (hint: eat light before hand, pace yourself, avoid the filler, only get 2-3 meats at a time.)
As amazing as Estancia was on Sunday I learned a good lesson that I need to keep in mind over the coming months. I ate a lot of food. Too much. For the rest of the day I felt sluggish and had the meat sweats. After working on ways to control my portions and pay attention to when I'm actually getting full, eating a meal without observing those techniques really wasn't a good idea. I ignored them intentionally because I knew that this would be the last time I could eat that amount of food in one sitting. While I was uncomfortable I don't regret eating that much. It made me reflect on how not so long ago I would eat like that daily. I appreciated one last face-stuffing, but I'm glad to say that I could do without that again.
Who knows? Maybe by Thanksgiving I'll be able to eat a whole 6" diameter plate's worth of food!
This is my last week to enjoy solid foods until early September. For 1-2 weeks after surgery I'll be on a liquid diet (the first two days clear liquids only), and the following week I'll be on a puree diet. I've got specific goals I have to meet each week before I can move on to the next stage. For the first stage I need to consistently drink 64oz of fluids per day. For my pureed diet it's being able to eat 3 meals per day, for my semi-solid diet it's chewing my bites 30 times, and once I'm back on solids it's resting between each bite. Each stage is designed to help me get used to my new stomach, or 'pouch', without hurting myself. Hopefully by the time my birthday hits I'll be able to eat regularly and I might even be able to enjoy a literal (small) bite of cake. It will be glorious.
For the moment I'm slogging through the high-protein/low-carb meals. I've got a good system going on now, but this is definitely not the diet for me.
I've given a lot of thought to how I want to eat once I'm back on solid food. I've never been a fan of the 'fad' diet, but I do think there is some good that can come out of having a limited set of daily foods to build a healthy diet around. I'll have to wait and see what works for me once I'm adjusted to the band.
Last Meal: Estancia Churrascaria.
E decided that for my penultimate last meal we should eat at this delicious restaurant. For those who are unfamiliar with Brazilian steakhouses let me paint you a picture. After your waiter takes your drink order you're directed to a large salad bar with a variety of tasty (so I'm told) vegetables, cheeses, and cured meats. Once you've had your fill of roughage, your waiter brings out a clean plate and the feast truly begins.
Each diner has a card that is red on one side and green on the other. As you flip your card over to green you're swarmed by servers with long skewers of smoking, steaming, glistening, and aromatic meats. Bacon wrapped filet mignon, pork tenderloin covered in parmesan, pork sausage, garlic sirloin, beef ribs, leg of lamb, juicy chicken breast...yum. This all you can (m)eat extravaganza continues until you turn your card over. At this point you tuck in, but the wise take their time and eat each cut slowly so as to savor the meat and pace themselves for more.
We invited two friends along, A and J, who both appreciate the finer qualities of the churrascaria. We first ate there of A's birthday a few months ago, and after stuffing myself full of beef, chicken, and pork I wondered where these restaurants had been all my life.
Obviously a place that serves mostly meat (they also have mashed potatoes, polenta, fried bananas, and cheese rolls - foods meant to fill you up) was a perfect choice for me given my current dietary restrictions. Estancia is a thing of beauty and I've developed a fine method for eating as much meat as possible (hint: eat light before hand, pace yourself, avoid the filler, only get 2-3 meats at a time.)
As amazing as Estancia was on Sunday I learned a good lesson that I need to keep in mind over the coming months. I ate a lot of food. Too much. For the rest of the day I felt sluggish and had the meat sweats. After working on ways to control my portions and pay attention to when I'm actually getting full, eating a meal without observing those techniques really wasn't a good idea. I ignored them intentionally because I knew that this would be the last time I could eat that amount of food in one sitting. While I was uncomfortable I don't regret eating that much. It made me reflect on how not so long ago I would eat like that daily. I appreciated one last face-stuffing, but I'm glad to say that I could do without that again.
Who knows? Maybe by Thanksgiving I'll be able to eat a whole 6" diameter plate's worth of food!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
10 Days To Go
Okay.
If you'd have told me a few years ago that I'd be on a diet that consisted mostly of various meats and cheeses I'd have called shenanigans on you. When I first heard of the high protein/low carb diet I thought it was too good to be true so I never looked into it. I thought, "there's no way that someone made a diet plan that called for eating two of my favorite food groups in abundance while justifying my lack of fruits and vegetables as healthy." I imagined it as a heaven full of steaks, fajitas, beef jerky, and barbeque sausage.
How wrong I was.
Since last Tuesday I've been on what's functionally an Atkin's Diet and I hate it. You see over the last few months I've grown accustomed to eating lots of fruit as a substitute for unhealthy snacks. It's worked tremendously well because if I snack slowly I remain full and have the satisfaction of knowing I'm taking care of myself. On this two week pre-op diet I'm limited to one piece of medium fruit per day. In this case I've chosen to have about 1/3 cup of watermelon. Sweet, delicious, juicy watermelon.
Now, I understand the basics behind the diet and why it's important for me to be on it before surgery but that doesn't make it any easier. These last few days have been hell. I'm pretty much always hungry and my stomach hurts most of the day.* I went walking with the dog last Wednesday and when I came home all sweaty E commented that something smelled like meat. While she first thought it was the pup we both came to the revolting conclusion that it was me. I smelled like a butcher's shop.
Two eggs with Turkey breakfast sausage. Small portion of watermelon. Roasted and lightly salted peanuts. Cocoa almonds. Low-fat cheese. Turkey lunchmeat. Roasted Chicken. Small bag of carrots and celery with almond butter. Baked chicken with melted cheddar (actually really good.)
By the time I get home I'm craving vegetables which is something I never thought I'd experience. I finish off the day with broccoli,green beans, salad, peppered cashews, and pistachios. That part isn't so bad as I find it's best to have my last meals be light so that I don't feel sluggish by the time I go to bed. Also, eating a bunch of fiber at work is a bad idea.
I've only got ten more days until the surgery. I had a talk with a co-worker, J, about surgery as she's had quite a few recently. I'll talk more about my thoughts on being cut open and having a virtual stranger root around in my insides later, but suffice to say I'm feeling a mix of excited, impatient, and anxious about the whole thing.
*WARNING - Honest Talk About Crapping*
For those who care not to read about the bowel movements of a 313lb (still!) man then skip this part.
For most of my adult life I assumed I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome because, to paraphrase Louis CK, every time I had to crap it was an emergency. For whatever bizarre reason, I never linked eating fast food almost exclusively with alternating constipation and diarrhea. Odd isn't it? When I once told E that I went #2 she was shocked and told me that something was wrong. I assumed she was weird or something.
The thing is once I started eating healthy I started having regular BMs. This may be too intimate a confession, but it is wonderful. I can now go out to eat in public without worrying that at any moment I might need to take a dump RIGHT NOW. I now longer need to carry Immodium with me everywhere. It's one of the benefits of eating healthy that I think should be mentioned more.
If you'd have told me a few years ago that I'd be on a diet that consisted mostly of various meats and cheeses I'd have called shenanigans on you. When I first heard of the high protein/low carb diet I thought it was too good to be true so I never looked into it. I thought, "there's no way that someone made a diet plan that called for eating two of my favorite food groups in abundance while justifying my lack of fruits and vegetables as healthy." I imagined it as a heaven full of steaks, fajitas, beef jerky, and barbeque sausage.
How wrong I was.
Since last Tuesday I've been on what's functionally an Atkin's Diet and I hate it. You see over the last few months I've grown accustomed to eating lots of fruit as a substitute for unhealthy snacks. It's worked tremendously well because if I snack slowly I remain full and have the satisfaction of knowing I'm taking care of myself. On this two week pre-op diet I'm limited to one piece of medium fruit per day. In this case I've chosen to have about 1/3 cup of watermelon. Sweet, delicious, juicy watermelon.
Now, I understand the basics behind the diet and why it's important for me to be on it before surgery but that doesn't make it any easier. These last few days have been hell. I'm pretty much always hungry and my stomach hurts most of the day.* I went walking with the dog last Wednesday and when I came home all sweaty E commented that something smelled like meat. While she first thought it was the pup we both came to the revolting conclusion that it was me. I smelled like a butcher's shop.
Two eggs with Turkey breakfast sausage. Small portion of watermelon. Roasted and lightly salted peanuts. Cocoa almonds. Low-fat cheese. Turkey lunchmeat. Roasted Chicken. Small bag of carrots and celery with almond butter. Baked chicken with melted cheddar (actually really good.)
By the time I get home I'm craving vegetables which is something I never thought I'd experience. I finish off the day with broccoli,green beans, salad, peppered cashews, and pistachios. That part isn't so bad as I find it's best to have my last meals be light so that I don't feel sluggish by the time I go to bed. Also, eating a bunch of fiber at work is a bad idea.
I've only got ten more days until the surgery. I had a talk with a co-worker, J, about surgery as she's had quite a few recently. I'll talk more about my thoughts on being cut open and having a virtual stranger root around in my insides later, but suffice to say I'm feeling a mix of excited, impatient, and anxious about the whole thing.
*WARNING - Honest Talk About Crapping*
For those who care not to read about the bowel movements of a 313lb (still!) man then skip this part.
For most of my adult life I assumed I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome because, to paraphrase Louis CK, every time I had to crap it was an emergency. For whatever bizarre reason, I never linked eating fast food almost exclusively with alternating constipation and diarrhea. Odd isn't it? When I once told E that I went #2 she was shocked and told me that something was wrong. I assumed she was weird or something.
The thing is once I started eating healthy I started having regular BMs. This may be too intimate a confession, but it is wonderful. I can now go out to eat in public without worrying that at any moment I might need to take a dump RIGHT NOW. I now longer need to carry Immodium with me everywhere. It's one of the benefits of eating healthy that I think should be mentioned more.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Two Weeks!
Last Week's Last Meal: Omlettry Pancakes. I've been craving some good pancakes for weeks now and had the opportunity to indulge myself this past Sunday on some of the lightest, fluffiest, and most delicious pancakes in town. I ordered the Eggonomical breakfast, but in hindsight I should have just gotten a short stack. Unlike sandwiches, eggs are best when you prepare them yourself, and despite their name the Omlettry's eggs are meh. Their pancakes though..oh man. I went all out with butter and syrup, and gave it my best shot. After I carved the soft, syrup soaked center out of a pancakes larger than most dinner plates I sat back and marveled in my indulgence. Tummy full and sweet tooth sated I'm glad to say I chose wisely for my Last Meal Breakfast.
In two weeks I'm getting bariatric surgery. It didn't really hit until this afternoon when I was considering how I'm going to approach the next two weeks on my pre-op diet. Of all the difficult things I'm going to tackle over the coming months this virtual Atkin's diet is turning out to be the hardest. I've grown accustom to using fruit as my go to snack food, and having to limit myself 1 medium piece of fruit a day is annoying.
What's really bothering me though is the realization that I still have powerful snack impulses when I'm at work. Over the last year I've taken steps to reduce the amount of time I spend doing nothing at home. So long as I stay busy with some task then I don't feel the need to snack. Work is another matter though. Eight hours of soul-crushing monotony can drive any person to find ways to alleviate the boredom. Some people take hourly smoke breaks, some people snack, some chat constantly, and some just don't do any work. Myself, I snack.
In past years I might chow down on chips, crackers, cookies, donuts, or candy. As I've talked about before, this usually leads to a nasty cycle of self-hatred and emotional eating that's only reinforced by being at a meaningless job. This year I've tried to make sure to bring my snacks from home so that I have a healthy choice at arms length. When I bring all my food from home I set myself up for success by making the healthy choice before I get in a situation where my instinct is to go for the unhealthy food.
Without a big bowl of fruit I can snack at throughout the work-day I'm at a loss as to what to do. Naturally the alternative is to bring carrots and/or celery to snack on, but without hummus I just don't have it in me. I've done exceptionally well over the last few years in expanding the number of vegetables I eat, but I still haven't reached the point where I like them in and of themselves. I've had the same bag of carrots prepared for the last week that I don't get around to eating with my lunch.
Of course all of my problems with snacking tie into larger issues as well. There's nothing stressful about my job. In fact it's anti-stressful. It's so non-stressful it blows past boring and heads straight into mind numbing. I'm not joking at all when I say that I like jobs with a moderate degree of stress - it makes the day fly by. The job itself isn't so bad, but the fact that it's a filler job, a temporary way to make some money while working on my Master's, means that I'm constantly reminded of how much I'd rather be doing something else. I know it's bad when the first thing I think on Monday morning is 39 hours and 59 minutes left to go.
Snacking was (and still is to some degree) my way of dealing with unhappiness. Emotional health is directly tied to physical health, and developing ways to deal with unhappiness has been a large focus of the last year of my life. I've largely succeeded, but being at work is like placing myself in temptation central.
I know I can do this, but the next two weeks are going to be hell. On a more positive note, two weeks is nothing and after they're done I get a full week off from work!
In two weeks I'm getting bariatric surgery. It didn't really hit until this afternoon when I was considering how I'm going to approach the next two weeks on my pre-op diet. Of all the difficult things I'm going to tackle over the coming months this virtual Atkin's diet is turning out to be the hardest. I've grown accustom to using fruit as my go to snack food, and having to limit myself 1 medium piece of fruit a day is annoying.
What's really bothering me though is the realization that I still have powerful snack impulses when I'm at work. Over the last year I've taken steps to reduce the amount of time I spend doing nothing at home. So long as I stay busy with some task then I don't feel the need to snack. Work is another matter though. Eight hours of soul-crushing monotony can drive any person to find ways to alleviate the boredom. Some people take hourly smoke breaks, some people snack, some chat constantly, and some just don't do any work. Myself, I snack.
In past years I might chow down on chips, crackers, cookies, donuts, or candy. As I've talked about before, this usually leads to a nasty cycle of self-hatred and emotional eating that's only reinforced by being at a meaningless job. This year I've tried to make sure to bring my snacks from home so that I have a healthy choice at arms length. When I bring all my food from home I set myself up for success by making the healthy choice before I get in a situation where my instinct is to go for the unhealthy food.
Without a big bowl of fruit I can snack at throughout the work-day I'm at a loss as to what to do. Naturally the alternative is to bring carrots and/or celery to snack on, but without hummus I just don't have it in me. I've done exceptionally well over the last few years in expanding the number of vegetables I eat, but I still haven't reached the point where I like them in and of themselves. I've had the same bag of carrots prepared for the last week that I don't get around to eating with my lunch.
Of course all of my problems with snacking tie into larger issues as well. There's nothing stressful about my job. In fact it's anti-stressful. It's so non-stressful it blows past boring and heads straight into mind numbing. I'm not joking at all when I say that I like jobs with a moderate degree of stress - it makes the day fly by. The job itself isn't so bad, but the fact that it's a filler job, a temporary way to make some money while working on my Master's, means that I'm constantly reminded of how much I'd rather be doing something else. I know it's bad when the first thing I think on Monday morning is 39 hours and 59 minutes left to go.
Snacking was (and still is to some degree) my way of dealing with unhappiness. Emotional health is directly tied to physical health, and developing ways to deal with unhappiness has been a large focus of the last year of my life. I've largely succeeded, but being at work is like placing myself in temptation central.
I know I can do this, but the next two weeks are going to be hell. On a more positive note, two weeks is nothing and after they're done I get a full week off from work!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I've hit the same plateau that I hit about this time last year. Somewhere around 313 to 318 pounds I hit a wall. I'm sure part of it is my body's way of trying balance itself out. Apparently our bodies don't like to lose weight because it likes to maintain a balance. Given that I've lost about 50lbs since January, it's not hard to understand that my body might take that as a cue that I'm starving and thus it's slowing down.
I think another reason I plateau at this point is that I've spent the last six months on a fairly strict regimen of diet and exercise and, honestly, on some level I'm tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I feel great and I'm proud of myself, but keeping up that level of self-discipline is difficult for me. Last night was the first time I've over-eaten in months. E and I got my pizza last meal (more on that later), and I chose to eat half of it. For the rest of the evening I felt like crap - no energy, too full to move, irritable, etc... It might be that relaxing my diet slightly before I need to go on my pre-op surgery will help me improve my morale and make it easier to lose weight after surgery. Nothing to drastic though.
Finally I think that I still haven't fully adjusted to my new work routine. I work at a boring, monotonous job where I sit at a desk all day shuffling through papers. The impulse to snack is overwhelming and due to being bored carrots and fruit rarely cut it. Between now and my surgery, I've got to come up with some new strategies to keep myself focused.
A lot of people, myself included, get disheartened by plateaus. While I'm frustrated, I'm taking this one as an opportunity to regroup and refocus. In some ways hitting this first plateau right before surgery is a good thing because it means the balance in my body will change soon and I'm already 50lbs toward my goal.
Speaking of surgery...
Yesterday (6/29) I got the call that my insurance has approved the operation! I've got a tentative operation date of July 24th with a pre-op exam on the 19th. Next week on the 5th I'm getting an EKG and the final blood work that I need, and on the 10th I start my pre-op Atkin's diet in order to shrink my liver. The smaller it is the less time the operation takes which is less time under anesthesia which makes for a safer surgery.
Needless to say I'm very excited. This will be the culmination of four or more years of hopes, frustrations, disappointments, hard work, and dedication. It will be the start of a new chapter in my efforts to become a healthier person.
My goals between now and the 10th are to keep up my diet and exercise, allow myself one last time to enjoy the foods I'm giving up indefinitely, and to acknowledge the good work I've done. Too often I deny myself the satisfaction of my accomplishments and focus solely on my failures. If I continue to do that then it will only makes things more difficult. I'm using the next few weeks to reflect on the struggle to get to where I am now so that I'll be in the best head-space I can be for myself.
Yesterday's Last Meal: Mangieri's Pizza - Alfredo sauce with chicken and bacon. Pizza has never been a favorite food of mine because I don't eat tomatoes. Before I discovered pesto and alfredo, I ate my pizzas dry. Mangier's isn't the best pizza I've had, but their chicken and alfredo is damn satisfying. It's a thin crust pizza on wheat dough (a mistake for a last meal) so I get more of the chicken and cheese flavors. It's cut into squares so it's easier to control portions (except for last night) and the middle, crust-less sections make for good breakfast. All in all, an excellent choice for a last meal. Pizza and a night of TED Talks on capitalism and western civ - a great way to spend a Friday night.
I think another reason I plateau at this point is that I've spent the last six months on a fairly strict regimen of diet and exercise and, honestly, on some level I'm tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I feel great and I'm proud of myself, but keeping up that level of self-discipline is difficult for me. Last night was the first time I've over-eaten in months. E and I got my pizza last meal (more on that later), and I chose to eat half of it. For the rest of the evening I felt like crap - no energy, too full to move, irritable, etc... It might be that relaxing my diet slightly before I need to go on my pre-op surgery will help me improve my morale and make it easier to lose weight after surgery. Nothing to drastic though.
Finally I think that I still haven't fully adjusted to my new work routine. I work at a boring, monotonous job where I sit at a desk all day shuffling through papers. The impulse to snack is overwhelming and due to being bored carrots and fruit rarely cut it. Between now and my surgery, I've got to come up with some new strategies to keep myself focused.
A lot of people, myself included, get disheartened by plateaus. While I'm frustrated, I'm taking this one as an opportunity to regroup and refocus. In some ways hitting this first plateau right before surgery is a good thing because it means the balance in my body will change soon and I'm already 50lbs toward my goal.
Speaking of surgery...
Yesterday (6/29) I got the call that my insurance has approved the operation! I've got a tentative operation date of July 24th with a pre-op exam on the 19th. Next week on the 5th I'm getting an EKG and the final blood work that I need, and on the 10th I start my pre-op Atkin's diet in order to shrink my liver. The smaller it is the less time the operation takes which is less time under anesthesia which makes for a safer surgery.
Needless to say I'm very excited. This will be the culmination of four or more years of hopes, frustrations, disappointments, hard work, and dedication. It will be the start of a new chapter in my efforts to become a healthier person.
My goals between now and the 10th are to keep up my diet and exercise, allow myself one last time to enjoy the foods I'm giving up indefinitely, and to acknowledge the good work I've done. Too often I deny myself the satisfaction of my accomplishments and focus solely on my failures. If I continue to do that then it will only makes things more difficult. I'm using the next few weeks to reflect on the struggle to get to where I am now so that I'll be in the best head-space I can be for myself.
Yesterday's Last Meal: Mangieri's Pizza - Alfredo sauce with chicken and bacon. Pizza has never been a favorite food of mine because I don't eat tomatoes. Before I discovered pesto and alfredo, I ate my pizzas dry. Mangier's isn't the best pizza I've had, but their chicken and alfredo is damn satisfying. It's a thin crust pizza on wheat dough (a mistake for a last meal) so I get more of the chicken and cheese flavors. It's cut into squares so it's easier to control portions (except for last night) and the middle, crust-less sections make for good breakfast. All in all, an excellent choice for a last meal. Pizza and a night of TED Talks on capitalism and western civ - a great way to spend a Friday night.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Things I'm Looking Forward To
I think the last few entries have been a little too heavy so here's a list of some of the reasons why I chose to go through with the surgery.
1) I can buy clothes from normal stores.
2) Being comfortable on an airplane.
3) Setting a healthy example for any kids E and I might have.
4) Not being so hot all the time.
5) More self-confidence
Last Meal: Man Bites Dog hotdog
If you were afraid that Dog Almighty's disappearance would spell the end for good hotdogs outside of Frank then you're wrong. MBD's hotdogs are every bit as good as DA's if not better. The dog itself is juicy, smokey, and satisfyingly meaty and the bun is frankly (no pun intended) excellent. The fries were so-so, but then I didn't choose to eat there because of the fries. I take no shame in being a huge fan of hotdogs, and Man Bites Dog served up an excellent last meal this week.
There's more to talk about that went on this week, but I can wait until the weekend to write about it. The stress of adjusting to a new schedule is compounded by searching for articles and books for my independent study I'm taking this fall semester. I need to reevaluate my goals before I burn-out.
1) I can buy clothes from normal stores.
2) Being comfortable on an airplane.
3) Setting a healthy example for any kids E and I might have.
4) Not being so hot all the time.
5) More self-confidence
Last Meal: Man Bites Dog hotdog
If you were afraid that Dog Almighty's disappearance would spell the end for good hotdogs outside of Frank then you're wrong. MBD's hotdogs are every bit as good as DA's if not better. The dog itself is juicy, smokey, and satisfyingly meaty and the bun is frankly (no pun intended) excellent. The fries were so-so, but then I didn't choose to eat there because of the fries. I take no shame in being a huge fan of hotdogs, and Man Bites Dog served up an excellent last meal this week.
There's more to talk about that went on this week, but I can wait until the weekend to write about it. The stress of adjusting to a new schedule is compounded by searching for articles and books for my independent study I'm taking this fall semester. I need to reevaluate my goals before I burn-out.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
My Fear
There's something I've run across in the last few weeks as I've become more open about my weight and preparation for surgery. While many of my family, friends, and co-workers have been supportive, I've noticed that almost as many who seem ambivalent or even slightly judgmental about what I'm doing. No one has outright said I shouldn't go through with it or that it's wrong for me to pursue surgery, but there are times when I get the impression that they want to say that.
I was talking with E and she mentioned a similar phenomenon when talking to other people about my weight. We both came to the conclusion that some people see anything other than pure willpower when it comes to weight loss as a sign of weakness. I can definitely say that I've come across some people who even tinge their judgement with a moral element. It's as if my weight and efforts to lose it speak to my moral character. If I weigh this much then I must lack some sort of conviction to overcome my weakness. What I personally want to tell these people is that they should me glad I'm doing something about it and that they can keep their misguided opinions about weight to themselves.
I've come across this reaction before with the personal trainers I've had over the years. The worst ones are those who have always been fit. For them, being healthy is just a decision you make without consideration for outside factors. I'm of the opinion that unless you've been overweight or obese then telling someone who is to just "make the choice to be healthy" does more harm than good. It places the blame squarely on that person's shoulders, and in my case makes me feel horrible about myself. Predictably, I'll then overeat because I feel bad, become upset that I overate, and then turn to food to help myself overcome that feeling.
If weight loss was simply a matter of pure will/choice then why would I choose to be obese? There's no advantage to it. There's no benefit from being this unhealthy. Ignoring all of the other factors that go in to why I eat the way I do and why it's hard for me to exercise just leads to me feeling terrible. I ate poorly and didn't exercise because of emotional issues coupled with lack of knowledge about nutrition and cooking. Fast food is easier, if more expensive, than cooking and the taste is comforting. I'll be honest, I like sugar, fat, and carbs. They taste good to me and I'm pretty sure they're supposed to given the way people ate pretty much any time before the mid 20th century.
Emotional, behavioral, biological. Those are the factors that weigh (no pun intended) on me when I make the choices I do about what I eat and how I exercise. I eat when I'm stressed or bored so I need to anticipate those moments. My default food choice is fast food because it's how I ate for so long. To be sure, I make the final decision whether I'm aware of it or not, but like all decisions I make there's a lot more that goes into it than willpower.
It bothers me that some people aren't as supportive as I'd like for them to be. Oddly enough I get non-supportive reactions from other people with weight problems. Perhaps it's just me, but there seems to be resentment behind their reactions. It's as if by doing something about my own problem I'm casting judgement on them. I think my biggest fear is that I'll upset them. I don't want to cause resentment in others because of what I'm doing, but I'm afraid that might happen whether I like it or not.
Last Meals: No last meals since last Sunday, but I have enjoyed a variety of tasty desserts this week. E and I sampled the new Whole Food's bakery and I got to taste test her decorated cupcakes. However, tonight I'll have a great pasta dish and caramel gelato. Mmmm.
I was talking with E and she mentioned a similar phenomenon when talking to other people about my weight. We both came to the conclusion that some people see anything other than pure willpower when it comes to weight loss as a sign of weakness. I can definitely say that I've come across some people who even tinge their judgement with a moral element. It's as if my weight and efforts to lose it speak to my moral character. If I weigh this much then I must lack some sort of conviction to overcome my weakness. What I personally want to tell these people is that they should me glad I'm doing something about it and that they can keep their misguided opinions about weight to themselves.
I've come across this reaction before with the personal trainers I've had over the years. The worst ones are those who have always been fit. For them, being healthy is just a decision you make without consideration for outside factors. I'm of the opinion that unless you've been overweight or obese then telling someone who is to just "make the choice to be healthy" does more harm than good. It places the blame squarely on that person's shoulders, and in my case makes me feel horrible about myself. Predictably, I'll then overeat because I feel bad, become upset that I overate, and then turn to food to help myself overcome that feeling.
If weight loss was simply a matter of pure will/choice then why would I choose to be obese? There's no advantage to it. There's no benefit from being this unhealthy. Ignoring all of the other factors that go in to why I eat the way I do and why it's hard for me to exercise just leads to me feeling terrible. I ate poorly and didn't exercise because of emotional issues coupled with lack of knowledge about nutrition and cooking. Fast food is easier, if more expensive, than cooking and the taste is comforting. I'll be honest, I like sugar, fat, and carbs. They taste good to me and I'm pretty sure they're supposed to given the way people ate pretty much any time before the mid 20th century.
Emotional, behavioral, biological. Those are the factors that weigh (no pun intended) on me when I make the choices I do about what I eat and how I exercise. I eat when I'm stressed or bored so I need to anticipate those moments. My default food choice is fast food because it's how I ate for so long. To be sure, I make the final decision whether I'm aware of it or not, but like all decisions I make there's a lot more that goes into it than willpower.
It bothers me that some people aren't as supportive as I'd like for them to be. Oddly enough I get non-supportive reactions from other people with weight problems. Perhaps it's just me, but there seems to be resentment behind their reactions. It's as if by doing something about my own problem I'm casting judgement on them. I think my biggest fear is that I'll upset them. I don't want to cause resentment in others because of what I'm doing, but I'm afraid that might happen whether I like it or not.
Last Meals: No last meals since last Sunday, but I have enjoyed a variety of tasty desserts this week. E and I sampled the new Whole Food's bakery and I got to taste test her decorated cupcakes. However, tonight I'll have a great pasta dish and caramel gelato. Mmmm.
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