Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Fear

There's something I've run across in the last few weeks as I've become more open about my weight and preparation for surgery.  While many of my family, friends, and co-workers have been supportive, I've noticed that almost as many who seem ambivalent or even slightly judgmental about what I'm doing.  No one has outright said I shouldn't go through with it or that it's wrong for me to pursue surgery, but there are times when I get the impression that they want to say that.

I was talking with E and she mentioned a similar phenomenon when talking to other people about my weight.  We both came to the conclusion that some people see anything other than pure willpower when it comes to weight loss as a sign of weakness.  I can definitely say that I've come across some people who even tinge their judgement with a moral element.  It's as if my weight and efforts to lose it speak to my moral character.  If I weigh this much then I must lack some sort of conviction to overcome my weakness.  What I personally want to tell these people is that they should me glad I'm doing something about it and that they can keep their misguided opinions about weight to themselves.

I've come across this reaction before with the personal trainers I've had over the years.  The worst ones are those who have always been fit.  For them, being healthy is just a decision you make without consideration for outside factors.  I'm of the opinion that unless you've been overweight or obese then telling someone who is to just "make the choice to be healthy" does more harm than good.  It places the blame squarely on that person's shoulders, and in my case makes me feel horrible about myself.  Predictably, I'll then overeat because I feel bad, become upset that I overate, and then turn to food to help myself overcome that feeling. 

If weight loss was simply a matter of pure will/choice then why would I choose to be obese?  There's no advantage to it.  There's no benefit from being this unhealthy.  Ignoring all of the other factors that go in to why I eat the way I do and why it's hard for me to exercise just leads to me feeling terrible.  I ate poorly and didn't exercise because of emotional issues coupled with lack of knowledge about nutrition and cooking.  Fast food is easier, if more expensive, than cooking and the taste is comforting.  I'll be honest, I like sugar, fat, and carbs.  They taste good to me and I'm pretty sure they're supposed to given the way people ate pretty much any time before the mid 20th century.

Emotional, behavioral, biological.  Those are the factors that weigh (no pun intended) on me when I make the choices I do about what I eat and how I exercise.  I eat when I'm stressed or bored so I need to anticipate those moments.  My default food choice is fast food because it's how I ate for so long.  To be sure, I make the final decision whether I'm aware of it or not, but like all decisions I make there's a lot more that goes into it than willpower.

It bothers me that some people aren't as supportive as I'd like for them to be.  Oddly enough I get non-supportive reactions from other people with weight problems.  Perhaps it's just me, but there seems to be resentment behind their reactions.  It's as if by doing something about my own problem I'm casting judgement on them.  I think my biggest fear is that I'll upset them.  I don't want to cause resentment in others because of what I'm doing, but I'm afraid that might happen whether I like it or not.

Last Meals:  No last meals since last Sunday, but I have enjoyed a variety of tasty desserts this week.  E and I sampled the new Whole Food's bakery and I got to taste test her decorated cupcakes.  However, tonight I'll have a  great pasta dish and caramel gelato.  Mmmm.

1 comment:

  1. Have I told you how proud I am of you! And how impressed I am by your process. I'm learning a lot reading your blog, surprisingly about my own issues with food. I'm so glad you're doing this, Jim. So glad.

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