I'm down to 313lbs as of this Thursday.
E made a comment last week about how I don't really enjoy my food in the sense that I savor the smell and taste of it. She's right. Truth be told, I hate eating and mostly just eat to fill time or relive stress. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the tastes and textures of the food I eat, but I don't really appreciate them for what they are. They're just sensations to me and not experiences in and of themselves if that makes sense.
I hate eating for the same reason I hate sleeping - it reminds me that I have a physical existence. Deep down I'm annoyed that my mind/personality is shackled to a body that needs things to function. Take sleep. I hate to go to bed. It's hard for me not to see sleep as a daily defeat. I'm aware of the benefits of sleep, but I hate to go to bed because I usually think it's a waste of my time. There is always something else I can do in the day.
I see eating in much the same way. I hate having to eat. Every time I eat I have to face the challenge of making healthy choices. Historically, I don't have a good track record. If I have to eat I've done something wrong therefore I'll put it off as long as possible. This is where my routine comes in. If I set my meals at certain times and prepare my meals ahead of time then I can eat without feeling bad, but if I put it off and wait until I'm shaking with hunger then I'll eat crap and feel bad physically and emotionally.
Eating and sleeping remind me that I have a body and that's just not something that I'm comfortable with. I don't feel like I belong in it. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but I'm constantly aware of where my body is in relation to my immediate surroundings or of how I look. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm always thinking about how I'm standing or sitting, how my clothes look on me, or where I am in relation to other people. There have been times when I've planned outings based on available seating. For example, I hate seeing movies on opening weekends. It usually means I'll have to sit next to someone other than E, and even if she's the only one I'm sitting next to I'll worry I'm crowding her.
A few weeks ago I saw the Avengers and had to sit next to a stranger! I couldn't enjoy the movie fully because I was worried that I was getting in her way. By contrast I saw Prometheus by myself and had a wonderful time because there was no one within 3 seats of me on either side. In restaurants, airplanes, people's homes and in my own bed I spend a great deal of conscious thought trying to get out of people's way.
I think this is why I enjoy exercising during the hottest part of the day. Other than sun burn, I like taking a 45min walk in 105 degree weather. It just feels right. It's not that I'm suicidal or want to harm myself, but it feels good to be out sweating, squinting, thirsty, and eventually dead tired. I really enjoy my sleep on those days.
As I lose weight these thoughts and feelings go away. I still obsess about how my clothes look, but now it's because they're meant for someone who's 50lbs heavier. I still worry that I'm in someone's way, but I feel more comfortable with myself as I lose weight. There's a lot that goes as I start to form healthy habits and change my lifestyle. Healthy thinking leads to good decisions which in turn lead to good feelings. When I eat right and exercise, I enjoy my sleep and I can eat without feeling bad about it. I feel more comfortable with myself and that lets me relax when I'm around others.
No Last Meal since last Tuesday, but that's okay. My dietician warned me about eating too many Last Meals and undoing the hard work I've done so far. I told him I wouldn't go overboard with it.
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